Did you want to read a positive, uplifting story about an old Internet company? Keep moving:

Yahoo can’t help being Yahoo, the technology industry’s most hapless company. And now the market is betting the company's incompetence might cost shareholders $1 billion or more.
Yahoo Inc.’s latest embarrassing stumble was a disclosure on Wednesday that cyberthieves in 2013 siphoned informationfrom more than 1 billion Yahoo accounts, including users' email addresses, scrambled account passwords and dates of birth. Criminals could use the information to go after more sensitive personal data elsewhere online. Yahoo previously disclosed a likely separate cyberattack that involved at least 500 million accounts.

Don't worry--only a handful of Yahoo! executives are going to walk away with millions. It's not like everyone is going to share the pain equally and it's not as if the people running things are going to do something foolish and dramatic like give back all the bonuses they were promised.

Poor performance does not lead to shame and doing the right thing. It leads to more money and promotions! Yay!


Ben Carson Would Run the Country Like His Campaign

Talk about an unforced error:
Ben Carson has a new answer for those who ask why he made a detour to Florida to get fresh clothes after Monday's Iowa caucuses rather than buy new ones in New Hampshire: I don't throw my clothes away because that is wasteful — and I will not run the government that way, either.
The retired neurosurgeon, appearing on "The View" Friday, discussed his concerns about the way Ted Cruz's campaign passed along CNN's reporting to organizers that Carson would be leaving the trail to fetch fresh clothes but how it neglected to include a follow-up tweet that Carson was not suspending his campaign. It would have been "very easy" for Cruz's campaign to reach out to clarify, Carson said. “I just think that anybody who accepts this kind of behavior and doesn’t feel that there’s anything that needs to be done about it has a different standard of ethics than I do."
In the last week, Carson has blown through half of his campaign staff. In order to stay afloat, he let half of them go and he slashed salaries. That's how he would run the country?

Carson couldn't carry an extra suitcase with him? That shows a spectacular inability to play beyond a few days. That's how he would run the country?

When he says he won't run the government in a particular way, does he mean that, when President, he'll make detours to Florida in order to pick up clothes because throwing them away would be wasteful? What?

When your candidate does a media appearance, and makes a massive mistake while talking about how great of a planner and manager he is, your best bet is to run on stage, clamp both hands over his mouth, and start screaming about something else.

The Liberation of Kansas

At some point, a humanitarian mission to liberate the occupied territory known as Kansas will have to be undertaken by peacekeeping forces and by non-governmental organizations that will deliver human rights relief to a badly oppressed people.

Yes, Kansas is full of God-botherers who have no money, no jobs, no health care, dwindling access to education, fracked-out water supplies, no real quality of life to speak of, but they have Jeebus and Sam Brownback and his tax cuts for the wealthy and his failed state government and his promise to make God-bothering look like a trip to a dry well on a prairie filled with nothing.

What does it say about a country where this kind of thing can happen in the year of our bothered God 2015? People need jobs and basic necessities. We see state legislatures tie themselves up in knots trying to legislate against abortions that simply don't happen anymore and they call that good government.

If you live in Kansas, my heart goes out to you. My head wonders what the hell is the wrong with Kansas, but I am not without sympathy.

The Butt Grabber

John Epps Jr. is a serial butt grabber.

Epps Jr. has been accused of inappropriately touching two middle school females in Montgomery County. It's all on videotape, apparently, and his actions caused Montgomery County Public Schools a tremendous amount of embarrassment (which is what we call legal liability) when it was revealed that he had worked at nearly 60 different schools in the district.

In the old days, you would call him a pervert or worse. Now, you just call him a contractor:
So, how did Epps Jr. manage to gain access to nearly 60 schools in a day and age when student safety and wellbeing are two of the highest priorities? MCPS administrators were quick to point the finger at the 44-year-old's employer, Rockville-based Netcom Technologies, Inc.
In May, Netcom, Inc. hired Epps Jr. from a temporary staffing agency. Yet, instead of running its own independent background check, Netcom, Inc. accepted the paperwork the temp agency had on file. MCPS says those documents were grossly inaccurate.
"Going forward, Netcom has said [it] will do full checks on any temporary employee hired to work in a school. We are also reminding all of our contractors who work in our schools what their obligations are under the law and requiring they re-run checks on their employees working in schools," MCPS spokesman Dana Tofig said in an email sent to ABC 7.
Netcom, Inc., which has earned tens of millions of dollars in contracts from MCPS over the last 20 years, did not return our phone calls seeking comment.
Going forward, Netcom Inc. will still make a lot of money putting perverts on their payroll and pretending to know something about the people they hire. Profit margins being what they are, does anyone really expect this company to sweat a little butt grabbing? That's for the lawyers to work out.

Epps Jr. has made a career out of butt grabbing. Let's hope someone finally registers him as a sex offender (another failure documented in the article) and keeps him away from school kids.

Craig Calcaterra is Too Stupid to Write About Baseball

Someone named Craig Calcaterra is a laid back sort of bro, my friends. He's cool with all the things that go down and you should just chill if you don't like something or whatever. I don't know. Does anybody know?

Here's what Calcaterra does not understand about sports and about baseball in particular--America admires cheaters; we love it when NASCAR drivers cheat. We love it when a football player cheats and gets his team a win (only when it's our team, of course). And nobody hates Alex Rodriguez because he tried to slap a ball out of someone's glove.

No, they hate Rodriguez because he took a quarter of a billion dollars to play baseball and he was too stupid to get away with what little performance enhancing he attempted to do in order to prolong his career so he could break the career home run total set by Barry Bonds. Had Rodriguez been able to solve his health problems, and extend his career past his 43rd birthday, he would have had a pretty good shot at getting the record.

Now, he won't. And that's why people hate him--he pissed away a chance to do something exciting and historic. He cheated people out of a reason to believe in his abilities. They hate him because he brought some weak-assed excuse and got caught cheating after he got caught cheating the first time. In other words, he broke the first rule of cheating: once you get caught, don't be a jackass and try that shit again.

Chillax, I guess, or don't. But Craig Calcaterra is just too stupid to write about baseball.