Humor

I Love These Guys

This is the best thing on the Internet today, and I hope you enjoy it as well.

DPRK News Service is a parody account, and here's a little backstory for you:

DPRK News is run by two American guys: Patrick, a lawyer, and Derrick, a data analyst. They also run the “Popehat” account, which tweets from the perspective of, well, the pope’s hat.

We talked to them about their North Korean account. They’ve asked us to withhold their last names — they don’t want the North Koreans to be able to find them — so we’re calling them Patrick Popehat and Derrick Popehat.

Washington Post: Your DPRK News tweets are so spot-on that you've tricked a lot of people and some serious news organizations, too. What's the most surprising spoof tweet people have fallen for?

Patrick Popehat: Without a doubt, the first. On the first day of the account's existence, when Kim Jong Il, the father of North Korea's present leader, was still in power, Cyprus detained a North Korean ship caught smuggling cigarettes. I tweeted that the DPRK was threatening Cyprus with war over the ship. How the People's Navy would reach Cyprus was another question. In any case, that tweet was flagged by the Web-based arm of a Norwegian television network, and turned into a news story about the coming war. I shut down the account for a year (after boasting about the prank at my blog) after that tweet.

Derrick Popehat: Depends what you mean by "fallen." It's difficult to determine if someone is retweeting something because he/she thinks its "real," amusing or both. In this case, I would define "fallen" as "a major media outlet reported as fact." I figured after this, there wouldn't be any more. A simple Google search for the Twitter handle would not only reveal that article but several others covering the same material. So, waking up one morning and finding out this happened nearly nine months later was a little disconcerting.

At this point, Patrick and I haven't really been trying to "spoof" news outlets, so it was surprising that one made it in. That was the last major hit, I think. My favorite "spoof" moment was when Patrick killed a tweet I wrote about the Korea National Insurance Company, for being unrealistic. It actually exists, mostly as [an alleged]  front for reinsurance fraud.

WP: What's the best tweet you've written? Your favorite tweet?

PP: Boasts about Kim Jong Un and his omnipotence are always fun, and not too far from what North Korea's news services actually report. This is the most popular tweet we've written:

 

Dumbassery Masquerading as Intelligent Commentary

I followed a link from Lawyers, Guns and Money to a site billing itself as trying to reignite the fires of dumbassery from long dead embers found in a burial chamber where something-something once lived, and I discovered this article and burst out laughing.

By any chance, do you remember what Roger Pielke, Sr. is famous for? Anyone? Why, he's the father of Roger Pielke Jr., the guy who lasted five minutes out there as a "climate science skeptic."

Now that they* have shut down his original blog, Roger Pielke, Jr., is desperately trying to remain relevant in the blogosphere. Pielke’s preferred strategy — as it has always been — is to utterly misrepresent what people say and then attack that misrepresentation in the hopes of garnering media attention. Baselessly smearing the professional reputation of hundreds of leading U.S. scientists means nothing whatsoever to him — if it gets him press coverage (see details here).

These days, the main “media” paying attention to Pielke, Jr. (as with Pielke, Sr.) are the global warming deniers (see “Uber-denier Inhofe gives big wet Valentine’s kiss to Pielke “” go figure!”). So it’s no surprise that Pielke Jr.’s latest distortion was immediately picked up by Swift Boat smearer Marc Morano, much as the main person pushing Pielke Sr.’s climate disinformation is anti-science blogger Anthony Watts (see “Like father, like son: Roger Pielke Sr. also doesn’t understand the science of global warming “” or just chooses to willfully misrepresent it”) What is (a little) surprising is that Pielke would utterly misrepresent something I wrote when everyone can plainly see what he is doing.

Yes, the dumbassery abounds.

The problem with trying to peddle bullshit in the Trump era is that there are so many more outlets who got there first, and there are so many more who kissed ass and received access to the White House press room. There is, literally, a plethora of whiny, fact-free conservative blogs out there who missed the boat and are now having to run pieces by the father of the guy who got laughed off of 538.com.

Oh, and who tried to help him out?

Wikileaks.

A University of Colorado professor who's been criticized for his writings about climate change has been caught up in  WikiLeaks' dump of emails involving John Podesta, campaign chairman for Hillary Clinton.

Roger Pielke Jr., who has been a faculty member on the Boulder campus since 2001, was the  subject of a July 2014 email about  an essay he wrote on climate change for the website FiveThirtyEight.

Pielke writes a  regular column about sports governance for the Daily Camera.

The email was sent by Judd Legum, the editor of  ThinkProgress, a site that's part of the Center for American Progress Action Fund, the advocacy arm of the liberal think tank Center for American Progress, which was founded by Podesta in 2003.

In his email to billionaire environmentalist Tom Steyer, Legum described how he believed Climate Progress, the environmental arm of ThinkProgress, got Pielke to stop writing about climate change for FiveThirtyEight.

"I think it's fair say that, without Climate Progress, Pielke would still be writing on climate change for 538," Legum wrote.

Peak wingnut? Nah, we're miles away from peak wingnut.

 

Archived Strictly for Satirical Purposes


Unsexed males possess no self awareness. This HAS to be satire. There is no other explanation.

Until recently, I had never read any of the original “gamers are dead” articles, assuming they would contain nothing but the standard leftist drivel to which we’ve become accustomed. The only likely outcome of reading them would be an increase in my blood pressure. Then, while watching a video about GamerGate, I clicked on a link to an archive of one of the original articles, “A Guide To Ending Gamers” by Devin Wilson at Gamasutra.
Full disclosure: I am far from a hardcore gamer. I play Magic The Gathering and Minecraft, and am a recovering WoW addict. As a kid, I played Wolfenstein, Doom, and Mario Brothers. In college it was Duke Nukem and Unreal Tournament. I’m a casual gamer who occasionally goes nuts with a particular game, but I don’t spend a lot of time thinking or reading about games. So I hadn’t even heard of Kotaku or Gamasutra before August 2014.
I happened to be on Reddit on the day of the original Quinn event and saw the threads full of deleted comments. As I learned more about what was happening, I began to nurture the hope that what I’d been waiting for was finally happening: the men of my generation were waking up. My interest in and support of GamerGate comes primarily from two sources:
  • My absolute disdain for all things Politically Correct
  • My rejection of the gradual, deliberate process of feminization Western society has been undergoing since the second half of the 20th century.
I want to protect gaming because of what it represents as because of the entertainment value I get out of it.

Games Are Fun

In any case, I was scrolling down through the article’s list of strategies for eliminating gamers, trying to keep an open mind, and actually thinking there were one or two somewhat valid points. Then I got to item #11:
We stop upholding “fun” as the universal, ultimate criterion for a game’s relevance. It’s a meaningless ideal at best and a poisonous priority at worst. Fun is a neurological trick. Plenty of categorically unhealthy things are “fun”. Let’s try for something more. Many of the alternatives will have similarly fuzzy definitions, but let’s aspire to qualities like “edifying”, “healing”, “pro-social”, or even “enlightening”. I encourage you to decide upon your own alternatives to “fun” in games (while avoiding terms like “cool” and “awesome” and any other word that simply caters to existing, unexamined biases).
That paragraph represents everything that is wrong with social justice thinking in less than 100 words.

Madness Is Real

What this person is saying is that “fun” is not an essential element of a “game”. Not only is it not necessary, it’s either a “meaningless ideal” or a “poisonous priority”. Poisonous, one assumes, because of the unfortunate fact that focusing development effort on creating a fun experience takes away from time spent making it “edifying”.
There are two likely explanations for how an otherwise intelligent, educated person could reach a conclusion so off-base, so fundamentally lacking in anything resembling validity, that it’s difficult to even describe it as wrong:
The Charitable Explanation: Operating almost entirely in a world of abstractions, as academics often do, it’s easy to get so removed from the reality on the ground that you overlook critical details. This is the “absent-minded professor” image, and it offers the benefit of the doubt insofar as it assumes an absence of negative intent.
The Ideological Explanation: For the fanatic, the goals of the revolution are all that matter. The end justifies the means; the importance of making the vision a reality warps the decision-making process and critical thinking faculties of even the most brilliant minds. Essential details are overlooked because they are obscured by emotions, desires, and rote imperatives. This yields the phenomenon we know of as “doublethink” or “cognitive dissonance”.
I don’t know what was going on in the mind of Mr. Wilson; I know which explanation I think is the most likely, but to be honest, in many ways it doesn’t matter. Either leftists like Devin are living in a dream world that causes them to ignore reality, or they ignore reality in order to bring their dream world into being.

Boys Will Be Boys

The most obvious flaw, alluded to earlier, in this reasoning is that video games will no longer exist as a medium in which to promote social good if they are not fun: no matter how well-designed for this purpose, their “healing” powers will go to waste because no one will play them. Leftists appear not to grasp this basic truth because they believe, or behave exactly as though they believed, that people can be programmed like a computer, with each program operating unaffected by the others. They start from a snapshot of current activity in aggregate, try to stamp out elements they object to, and assume there will be no unintended consequences.
As we saw last century with the Soviet Union, this model, while based on shallow truths, has no durability in the real world. People can be convinced to keep working, fighting, and trading for a time if totalitarian authority is maintained through fear, information control, and other forms of manipulation. But there are always unintended consequences of social engineering and central planning that ignores local realities.
By the time the Soviet Union collapsed, it was littered with things like factories producing farm equipment that was worth less than its component parts, because not only did the end product not work, but the cost of salvaging the components was too high to be economical. This will be the result if we allow feminists and other peddlers of academic sanctimony to continue to interfere with the video game marketplace and turn it into a PC haven.
I believe this effect is intentional, and that the feminist campaign to destroy gaming is just one piece of a larger strategy to eliminate or co-opt masculinity in all its forms. Video games are one of the few media that cater more to male than female entertainment preferences: they are dominated by games involving sports, war, and fighting, and often contain images of the female body that appeal to male sexuality. A lot of young men and boys play video games, and they can be coarse, vulgar, and unwelcoming to outsiders.
I say: So what? “Boys will be boys” is now treated as something akin to a Satanic incantation, but it has the inconvenient and feminist-galling audacity of being true. Boys and girls compared to men and women are different—we have different tastes, needs, proclivities, and comfort zones. Video games manifest this basic truth, and are not, as leftists would like us to believe, based on arbitrary, socially constructed gender distinctions designed to give one half of the population advantages over the other half.

Man The Battlements

If you imagine the world of entertainment or leisure generally as a map, video games are one of the few geographic regions where boys are still allowed to be boys, and this is simply not tolerable to feminists. They look at that territory and see a dark black stain on the pink-tinted expanse of modern culture. Feminine sensibilities and political correctness dominate the traditional media, Hollywood, academia, and publishing, while video games serve a niche market that, though large in absolute numbers, impacts a far smaller percentage of the population than other media. In other words, they have us surrounded.
But what they—and most men—don’t appear to understand is that the only reason things have gotten this far is that we haven’t been fighting back. Men have spent 50 years meekly retreating, conceding cultural territory, and even defecting to the other side. It has taken a blatant, undisguised assault on some of the least-threatening members of the male population, people who mostly just want to enjoy their hobby in peace.
This is a test, and the answer is not to become an MRA so you can try to fight the feminists on their own well-fortified ground. The answer is to become a man in the traditional sense: self-sufficient, productive, ambitious, knowledgeable about the world you live in, and resistant to female emotional manipulation. Women who understand the benefits they get from living in a masculine environment will do what the majority of women do best: follow and support you, or get out of your way. The rest, alone, bitter, and without any offspring to indoctrinate as future feminists, will join their ideological fellow-travelers in the dustbin of history.

This is Sexist


Veev vodka is hoping you'll accept the joke here. Unfortunately, it's a transparently sexist and somewhat culturally insensitive ad.

The stereotypically harsh and unattractive Russian/Slavic/Eastern European depiction of a hectoring wife is supposed to sell alcohol to who, exactly? I'm not sure who the target audience is but any man married to a "beast like this" (which is what the advertiser is signaling here) must want to drink themselves into a state of unconsciousness.

When you're using humor to kick down here, you have to remember that there is a fine line between satire and being stupid about cultural signifiers. You're not supposed to link your product to something that doesn't have some sort of redeeming quality. Being smashed, cheating on your wife, and fostering a stereotype isn't exactly the smart or uplifting quality being sought here.

Veev makes a vodka that is useful for your suicide by drinking because your horrible wife is a sexless babushka? Really? And now that means you gotta get a third or fourth bottle for your bros?

Stupid. And, of course, sexist.

Rick Scott is the Greatest Politician Ever


I think it is fairly obvious that Florida Governor Rick Scott is going to win his re-election bid, probably by 20 points. Americans love a petulant man-child. They elect them and re-elect them as often as possible now. Clearly, Charlie Crist showed up with a fan that was designed to make the people of Florida mad enough to forget about their problems, and it worked.

Our politics are insane, our country is led by fools, and you couldn't make this up if you tried.

America's First Family


It is now two years into the presidency of Sarah Palin. America is at war with Syria, Jordan, Iraq, Iran, Mexico and Turkey. A universal draft has been implemented in order to place America's military on a footing that is expected to grow to a total of 20 million uniformed service members. The threat to American interests expands in Latin America and the far East, with American embassies shuttered all over the globe.

Unemployment is down to 18.4% and America's GDP is $4 trillion dollars, down from a high of $17 trillion in 2009. Gas prices hover at $6.75 a gallon and milk is impossible to find due to lax regulation of bovine hormones. In most American cities, the police randomly shoot rioters and turn anyone they arrest over for basic training. President Palin has issued another executive over, to the exasperation of the Congress, indicating that she is displeased to learn that her eldest daughter has been rejected as the lead actress in a sitcom about a porn star who finds Jesus at Wendy's and then decides to live there with her uncle, who is a ghost.

Palin believes in blue skies overhead and the power of prayer. She took over when John McCain was impeached for tax evasion and being cranky. McCain declined to run for re-election in 2012 and has retired to a life of lobbying and criticizing American foreign policy. Palin, a family values candidate with plucky and popular daughters and a Bachelor son, easily defeated her primary opponents and then kneecapped liberal Senator Al Franken, who was the Democratic Party's nominee for President. Franken ran on a campaign platform that stated, "I will not allow any of my children to scoot along the ground, drunken and disorderly."

Franken lost by 200 electoral votes. Vice President Peter King snickered like a thug when he won.

In Alaska last week, President Palin was asked, how can your drunken family get away with such things?

Palin replied, "don't you know who I am?"

And with that, the heavens groaned.

Alec Baldwin is Suffering From Pilates Rage


Alec Baldwin sure has lost a lot of weight, hasn't he? Well, if there's one lesson to be learned from this incident with the paparazzi, it is this: pilates rage is real.

I don't have a lot of science to back any of this up, but that has never held me back. I'm crawling through Season 5 of 30 Rock on DVD, and the episodes that aren't damaged by the rough handling of the library patrons show a Baldwin brother emeritus on the doughy side. And, let's face it--we're all a little on the doughy side.

Sometime last whenever because who the hell knows, Baldwin started to do pilates, which is an exercise regimen that builds the core muscles in your gut by working them relentlessly.

Baldwin himself has Tweeted that pilates has saved his life.


Well, I should say, it has "saved" him but it is not a specific enough Tweet to indicate his life, his marriage, his way of getting around in the world, or if it did, in fact, save him from having to go to a more expensive gym.

It is my considered opinion that these workouts turn a person into a clenched ball of rage.

You cannot discount the fact that the common ulcer tends to cause severe abdominal pain, and ulcers are caused by going around with clenched gut muscles and eating things that are full of acid. Stress contributes to ulcers, and sit-ups and holding a 30-centimeter inflated rubber ball between the legs in an upright position while screaming in pain can cause stress. Having to roll forward on a mat while someone in better shape than you howls in distress after expelling everything in their colon through a lycra garment in your general vicinity also causes stress. It is a logical fallacy, perhaps, but it does contain more logic than fallacy to conclude that pilates adds to stress in the period before the person doing pilates actually begins to see an improvement in their physical appearance.

In Baldwin's case, he is noticeably thinner, his hair is looking better, and he has a much more attractive mate these days. He probably has money and notoriety in amounts that are more pleasant to contemplate. But he stands to lose it all by punching photographers. He stands to end up in jail now because his bottled jar of screeching inner rage popped out like a sideboob full of intrigue at the wrong formal dinner party.

The only salvation he has is the pilates rage defense. He must claim that the endorphins and adrenaline running through his system have been sent into spasms of overdrive because of the intense pilates workouts that he has been thinking about doing over the course of the last few weeks. He must begin to lay the groundwork for the common law defense of "pilates rage."

"Road rage" came into vogue years ago, and has served as a useless legal defense precisely because no one could tie it to diet, weight, or exercise. A smart lawyer could succeed in setting a new precedence here if he or she could tie road rage to a parcel of junk science and get a useless judge to rule favorably. If "pilates rage" can be found to be real, and there's no common sense reason why is should, then celebrities might find it useful whenever they get caught on film turning out somebody's lights on a public street in front of, ahem, a courthouse.

Anyone with a law degree should be able to understand where I'm coming from.

The Walking Dead is Ruining America

I don't want to go overboard and suggest that Tim Winter of the Parents Television Council is somehow not a bright or intelligent person, but I'd really like to know how one depicts scenes of "grisly murder both of the living and 'undead'" when, in point of fact, the dead are just plain dead.

We have a lot of problems in this country, but a gory television show ain't one of them.

Pandora's Caberet in Waterbury, Connecticut


My grandson and I were there: holla back, FOOLS!

I hasten to describe how difficult it was to visit Pandora's after my grandson Chip and I made the decision to sample Waterbury's night life. Chip is going to graduate high school this spring, barring any more academic moves against him, but he is 18 and they let him into the establishment. We did enjoy ourselves, but we did not appreciate all of that gunfire.

It seemed to detract from the table dance we had paid for because you could tell the poor young lady was nervous. I also thought she was a bit under weight as well, but when I suggested she add a few more pounds, she asked the bouncer to remove me for being rude. I offered up advice for a woman on how to put on "curvy" weight as opposed to babyfat weight, but to no avail. I have all of the science on this, and it requires eating the right amount of Doritos with cream cheese.

Chip stayed until they made everyone leave, and I still don't know how he got home. I left with a woman named Bubbles or Jennifer, depending on whether or not her lisp was acting up, and we went to Wing it On because duh.

Benghazi, Bitch


Everyone knows that Paul Walker died because of Benghazi, and now Aaron Paul is being denied a successful film career because of Benghazi.

Thanks Obama. Thanks a lot.

Americans have turned on the souped-up racing care genre and the manliness of racing a fiberglass clown car because of the wussification of the population, courtesy of America's surrender and defeat in Benghazi.

Ty Burrell as a successful voice actor? Wouldn't have happened if we had secured our personnel in Benghazi, bitch.