Entertainment

More Clinton Derangement Syndrome Ahead

You can just imagine the headline--House Republicans Schedule Hearings to Determine Whether or Not Clinton Nephew Really Deserves a Modeling Career.

There's a new, six-foot-tall reason you'll be seeing the name "Clinton" in the news again.

Tyler Clinton, the 22-year-old nephew of Bill and Hillary Clinton, has just landed a modeling contract with IMG, home to supermodel sisters Gigi and Bella Hadid, as well as Amber Valleta, Ashley Graham and Taylor Hill. Tyler's dad, Roger, is Bill's younger half-brother and an actor with credits in Spy Hard and The Rugrats Movie.

I would be willing to bet you that Jason Chaffetz is already planning to spend $12 million dollars to find out whether or not Tyler Clinton has cheek implants. So, if you're in the fake news business, this is what's called a gimme. As in, gimme fifty pieces just like this. Woo hoo.

Satellite TV is Dying Faster Than Expected

I was a one-and-done customer of satellite television. We had to switch to satellite in order to get out from under the horrible service being delivered by Comcast and, as soon as we could, we cancelled our service because, as many Americans now know, satellite television sucks:

"Satellite TV technology is losing its currency faster than anyone would have predicted," says one analyst, while another Wall Street observer says: "This seems to be Charlie (Ergen)'s strategy."

Charlie Ergen's Dish Network on Thursday surprised Wall Street with its biggest quarterly pay TV subscriber decline ever, posting a drop of 281,000 for the April-June period, marking 200,000 more losses than in the year-ago period.

The company's previous high for a quarterly sub loss had been 156,000 in the fourth quarter of 2010, according to Leichtman Research Group founder Bruce Leichtman. Wall Street had on average expected a subscriber decline of around 91,000. In addition, Dish posted its first quarter of broadband subscriber losses. The company's stock was down 3 percent in early Thursday trading, but my mid-day was up more than 1 percent, showing investors weren't too concerned.

Did they come up with a way to make it a two-way form of communication? No, of course not. They followed the Blockbuster Video business model--lock people into contracts, shit on them whenever possible, charge them as much as the market will bear, and act surprised when someone offers a better, cheaper alternative that isn't as nasty.

Oh, and broadband for rural customers is the way to go. If you can deliver high-speed Internet to everyone, you can kill off Satellite TV and everyone else.

This is Not the Last You Will Hear of Him

I can't wait to see how all of these scores will be settled:

Corey Lewandowski, Donald Trump’s campaign manager and notorious arm-grabber, has been demoted to a body man and a scheduler, according to a CBS News report. Paul Manafort, who was hired last week, will now run the GOP presidential frontrunner’s campaign in his stead. The number of staffers that report directly to Lewandowski, known for a history of yelling at employees and making demeaning comments to women, has been reduced considerably. The campaign’s national field director, Stuart Jolly, also resigned Monday.

Whoever "moved" Lewandowski out of his role and into his new one will be destroyed before the new moon if not sooner. This man operates as if the world is his personal toilet. He does not care what happens to the toilet because he's renting the house and the landlord is an asshole. He is a media-savvy Millennial and he knows how to dig the holes where the bodies will be buried.

Trump could not fire this man; that would be too dangerous. He has to be eased into something else and then handled carefully for the next twenty years. Lewandowski is something so toxic that he is beyond unemployable. He is someone you should never, ever come into contact with or form a business relationship with because he is a force unto himself. He will consume everything before him just as would a cloud of locusts.

Brian Who?


In case you were wondering:
In the first week of his six-month suspension (Feb. 9-13), the Lester Holt-anchored NBC broadcast posted a victory among total viewers, with an average 9.43 million, and adults 25-54. The demo race was a much tighter race. Despite leading ABC News by 400,000 total viewers, it only just topped it in the key demo: 2.292 million over 2.242 million.
CBS remained in third place, averaging 7.628 million viewers and 1.786 million adults 25-54.

Brian Williams has been replaced and the numbers on his broadcast, such as they are, have remained the same. The audience for the evening news has shrunk down to practically nothing but NBC persists with the delusional idea of putting Williams back on the air? I think that has come to pass.

Williams would make a hell of a game show host.

We're All Eleventh Cousins With Somebody

Jane Austen
This is a little ridiculous:
Jane Austen wrote the ultimate fairy tales, and Catherine, Duchess of Cambridge is living one herself. But that's not all these two women have in common. 
The famed romance author (1775-1817) and the newly-minted royal, 29, have family ties, according to findings from Ancestry.com
The ladies are eleventh cousins, six times removed, according to the site, and they are linked through Henry Percy, the second Earl of Northumberland, who was born in 1392. 

We all have family ties with royalty or the historically famous or both. I don't think this is newsworthy at all.

The very nature of modern life dictates that we all come from common ancestors and a bloodline that traces back to someone notable in history, and this is true for all of the cultures of the Earth as well. This is not a white European fact; it's true for people from all over. The fact that they had to go back to 1392 to find a common ancestor is enough for a good laugh. And I don't know what's funnier--going back 619 years or expecting useful information out of People magazine.
Enhanced by Zemanta

None of These Clowns Are Worth the Attention


At some point, the trolling has to stop:
North Korea threatens to 'blow up' the White House after claiming to find 'clear evidence' that the GOVERNMENT was behind controversial Sony film The Interview
It now looks more like an inside job at Sony Pictures than it does anything else. And it looks to me like the extra attention granted to all three parties--Kim Jong Un, James Franco, and Seth Rogen--is about as shopworn as using a ticking time bomb as a plot device.

In a world...where things actually mattered...nobody would be talking about any of them. Ever.

Mark Wahlberg Deserves a Pardon


Do you think this will happen?
On April 8, 1988, when he was 16 and long before he became a model, rapper and actor, Mark Wahlberg -- high on drugs and alcohol -- assaulted a man while trying to steal two cases of alcohol and then punched another man in the face as he attempted to avoid the police.
He was arrested, sentenced and tried as an adult, and he served 45 days in prison.
Today, at 43, Wahlberg is a much different person -- a father of four, a successful movie star, a philanthropist who works with at-risk youth -- but says he's still legally affected by his convictions. In a petition submitted Monday (PDF), he's asking for a pardon.
To me, the idea of remorse is the most important aspect of asking for a pardon. Wahlberg has taken responsibility for his actions and he has expressed remorse. In light of all that, he should be granted a pardon. And this really has nothing to do with who he is or how wealthy he is (although I would imagine a lawyer helped him with the request in exchange for a hefty fee).

The pardon process is woefully mistaken for a partisan political tool. It should be a tool for granting people the possibility of returning to public life. It should work for the poor as well as the wealthy, no matter what.

Bill Cosby and Serial Rape


It would appear that Bill Cosby has a problem with being accused of committing serial rape in this country. Did he commit any crimes overseas? Is there any way to bring him to justice in another jurisdiction? Why is he getting away with it?

The statute of limitations has rendered Cosby untouchable. He will likely go the way of Joe Paterno, disgraced but wealthy and confused about his status.

This country can forgive a lot of things. Cosby raped his way through a lot of lives, it would appear.

Norman Rogers is a horrible, horrible man. He was said, in effect, that an adult male can use the $300 hooker to solve a lot of problems.

"A fifty dollar whore is good in a pinch, but she is desperate and sometimes unattractive. If you pay $300 for the services of a professional working girl, you can expect that she will be reasonably attractive and unwilling to turn on you. Bill Cosby could have hired a $300 girl every week of the year. That's $15,600 per calendar year, including your Christmas Ham Boning or whatever you want to call it. Over the course of forty years, that's a grand total of $624,000 spent on discreet, professional sex workers."

As Norman horribly explains, this would save many men a great deal of grief.

"Bill Cosby could have spent a mere $15,600 per year playing hide the baloney and all he would be guilty of is being a horndog. I am not condoning legalized prostitution--I think what they have in Las Vegas is a good model for what we should have in every state. We need special economic zones where regulated adult behavior is tolerated and controlled. Stephen Hawking uses professional women and people consider him a saintly genius. If Cosby were a mere whoremonger, he would likely be making over $10 million a year right now. Contrast that with a controlled budget for getting some ass on the side."

"What an old fool. He reminds me of Tiger Woods, who lost over a hundred million dollars for sex that would have cost him, at best, a few hundred thousand dollars."

It should be pointed out that Norman Rogers is a horrible man and his views are neither condoned nor understood.

Will Arnett Has Another Series Cancelled Out From Under Him


You may not be able to guess it, but I'm still mad about Running Wilde.

Watching Will Arnett lose another television series is bad enough. He's better than most of the shows they've thrown him in. Running Wilde was a show that I really liked.

There's a moment in that show when Peter Serafinowicz does an Alan Alda impression that I thought was hysterical. And, yeah. Will was good in it. Not as good as Keri Russell. But this sucks for all concerned.

Sacha Baron Cohen's Sad Decline Into Poorly Imagined Spoofs


Rather than come up with something imaginative, original, and daring, why not make another James Bond spoof?

This is what Sacha Baron Cohen is reduced to--spoofing something that has been spoofed to the point where no one cares anymore. They're going to make a fourth Austin Powers movie, and even that will have more going for it than this project. To date, I'm not aware of any indication where being boring and predictable works, but maybe Cohen has decided to chase some of the money that Adam Sandler and Larry the Cable Guy are leaving on the table these days.

The Walking Dead is Ruining America

I don't want to go overboard and suggest that Tim Winter of the Parents Television Council is somehow not a bright or intelligent person, but I'd really like to know how one depicts scenes of "grisly murder both of the living and 'undead'" when, in point of fact, the dead are just plain dead.

We have a lot of problems in this country, but a gory television show ain't one of them.

Pandora's Caberet in Waterbury, Connecticut


My grandson and I were there: holla back, FOOLS!

I hasten to describe how difficult it was to visit Pandora's after my grandson Chip and I made the decision to sample Waterbury's night life. Chip is going to graduate high school this spring, barring any more academic moves against him, but he is 18 and they let him into the establishment. We did enjoy ourselves, but we did not appreciate all of that gunfire.

It seemed to detract from the table dance we had paid for because you could tell the poor young lady was nervous. I also thought she was a bit under weight as well, but when I suggested she add a few more pounds, she asked the bouncer to remove me for being rude. I offered up advice for a woman on how to put on "curvy" weight as opposed to babyfat weight, but to no avail. I have all of the science on this, and it requires eating the right amount of Doritos with cream cheese.

Chip stayed until they made everyone leave, and I still don't know how he got home. I left with a woman named Bubbles or Jennifer, depending on whether or not her lisp was acting up, and we went to Wing it On because duh.

Benghazi, Bitch


Everyone knows that Paul Walker died because of Benghazi, and now Aaron Paul is being denied a successful film career because of Benghazi.

Thanks Obama. Thanks a lot.

Americans have turned on the souped-up racing care genre and the manliness of racing a fiberglass clown car because of the wussification of the population, courtesy of America's surrender and defeat in Benghazi.

Ty Burrell as a successful voice actor? Wouldn't have happened if we had secured our personnel in Benghazi, bitch.

Why Did Steve Martin Get an Oscar?


Why did Steve Martin rate an honorary Oscar?

And, before you say anything, let's consider this fact: Alan Rickman, Liam Neeson and Gary Oldman now have fewer Oscars than Steve Martin. Oh, wait. Those guys all come from the British Isles. That shouldn't even count, right?

Steve Martin is a funny man, and he's a talented man, but his films are almost consistent in their mediocrity and his film career has seen a litany of failures and mistakes. Apart from Bowfinger, has he ever even tried to do something ambitious or interesting?

I'm still not getting why you'd give him an honorary Oscar. For which body of work? His?

Good God. Why?

A Jackass in His Private Life


I don't know if it is useful to compare Mel Gibson with Kanye West, but it does make my life easier to do so.

Both have suffered numerous professional setbacks because of their behavior (although, to be fair, there's no comparison between Kanye and noted woman beater Chris Brown) and both have demonstrated that they have self-control issues.

Kanye has been called a jackass by the President of the United States. Gibson has been called far worse. But this is where the public and private personas come into contrast, and they couldn't be more stark. Privately, Kanye is, reputedly, a very caring and generous person. If you believe what Aziz Ansari says, Kanye is a decent human being who cares about others.

I would never believe Joe Eszterhas about anyone or anything, however. He is what you would call an impeachable source. But if he has tapes of Gibson ranting and raving about Jewish people, I would say that this is a very good example of how Gibson can present a public face that is apologetic and conciliatory while maintaining a private persona that is equal parts jackass and maniac.

Do you know who might have painted the most accurate picture of all? South Park.

Paternalistic Might be a Better Word

Aside from the weirdness of it all, let's skip past the thing about fathers and daughters and get to the right word.

I think the word Canalis would have been better off choosing would have been "paternalistic." For her to suggest that it was like "living a fairy tale" means that she didn't have a real adult relationship with Clooney and that she didn't really have any responsibilities in the relationship. A paternalistic relationship  basically allows one person control while the other person exists without any rights or responsibilities. When you think about it, Canalis was probably in a relationship where she just went along for the ride.

Culturally, this is maybe more of a European kind of relationship than anything else. I'm speculating, but it doesn't sound like it was anything more than a fling based on mutual physical attraction and based entirely on a money-driven lifestyle. It's impossible to say for certain, but why is anyone impressed or intimidated by George Clooney? He's an old man living like a college boy. A great body of acting work, sure. But is he someone to emulate? To admire? Or is he a cautionary tale about never growing up?

Now, is that healthy? No, in the long term, that's not healthy for anyone. So, you have to give her credit for trying to explain what it was like. The problem is, she might have been a bit too forthcoming.

One Million Moms Can't Get Their Heads Around the Appeal of Schweddy Balls

At least these panicked, reactionary prudes are organized. It takes a great deal of effort to get a successful boycott off the ground, what with all of the apathy and economic desperation out there. I'm glad these people have found something serious and substantive to do with their time. What's worse? A high-end ice cream product or the typical swill of violence and sexism force-fed to our kids every day?

Are the One Million Moms boycotting things like MTV, Fox News and edible underwear? If not, then they should be.

Moderate Those Comments, Please


There's a very nice story about Heather Matarazzo and her long-time girlfriend Caroline Murphy. They plan to marry in the state of New York in the near future, and it's the sort of story that I normally wouldn't blog about because how many times can you say, "congratulations," and "that's wonderful."

I'm only putting this up because of the single comment at the bottom of the story:



Just the one "thumb's down?"

Harrison Ford Has Another Movie to Sell


Pretty much the only time anyone does a fawning, sycophantic profile of Harrison Ford is when he has a movie to promote. Any other time, well, forget it.

Ford's movies make a lot of money. What else is there? I can't remember the last time that I actually wanted to see a Harrison Ford movie. As in, actually went out and saw it because he was in it. The films he's made over the last decade are forgettable. Absolutely forgettable.

I hope there's something good about Cowboys & Aliens. I hope he isn't a piece of wood in it.

Years ago, I figured out something. If you put Michael Caine on one side, and Harrison Ford on the other, which one of them would be more compelling and real?

Michael Caine.

The difference between them is rage. Caine has the acting chops to show the kind of rage that a leading man and an actor should possess. Sean Connery, Robert Duvall, Tommy Lee Jones, Al Pacino, and Mel Gibson had (and perhaps still have) that rage as well. Think about how unfair it is to compare Ford to the actors that I've mentioned. It's unfair as hell because he hasn't done anything that could top the work those actors have done.

Harrison Ford doesn't have anything that can compare. He has a lot of profitable, popular films that showcase his everyman talents. Beyond that, what is there?