Campbell Brown Gets Out of the Way

Give the people what they want--Jennifer Aniston's crotch!I love it when failure makes a person tell the truth*:

Campbell Brown, pretending to be a journalistOnce again, a star anchor is leaving CNN. This time it is Campbell Brown, and she is leaving with an extraordinary amount of candor.

In a heartfelt statement on Tuesday afternoon, Ms. Brown said she was leaving on her own accord, having concluded that she was unable to compete with the opinion-mongers that dominate cable news in prime time.

“The simple fact is that not enough people want to watch my program, and I owe it to myself and to CNN to get out of the way so that CNN can try something else,” she wrote. “CNN will have to figure out what that is.”

CNN, a unit of Time Warner, announced no immediate plan to replace Ms. Brown, who said she would remain during a transition period.

In a little more than six months, the channel has also lost the controversial anchor Lou Dobbs and the foreign correspondent and anchor Christiane Amanpour.

For the last two years, Ms. Brown has tried to hold down the toughest time slot in cable news, 8 p.m. Eastern, the same time that Bill O’Reilly of the Fox News Channel and Keith Olbermann of MSNBC go head-to-head.

Compared with those bombastic opinion shows, her weeknight news program, titled “Campbell Brown,” has struggled to gain an audience. It has attracted an average of 591,000 viewers so far this year, while “Countdown” on MSNBC has averaged one million, and “The O’Reilly Factor” from Fox, 3.34 million.

The numbers are deceiving, however. The millions who watch O'Reilly are usually old, futzy, and broke. Advertisers can't really sell anything to old, futzy and broke. The million or so who watch Olbermann are so angry they don't know where their money is anymore. They're walking around in a stumbling, blind rage. The only thing they're buying is Advil and weed.

What Brown should have done is offer the exact opposite of what Olbermann and O'Reilly are offering. She should have offered something that would confirm our worst suspicions about ourselves--we're a bunch of tubby fat baby dumb heads. She should have hosted an hour long infomercial on butt toning and gut busting situps. She should have sold Americans on the idea that they can look like Jennifer Aniston after Jennifer Aniston has possibly used Ex-Lax for eight straight days trying to lose enough weight to appear in a staged photograph used to sell water to idiots. She should have done a show about helping fatties hide their cellulite. She should have focused on the lowest possible common denominator--fear of being humiliated for being a lardass. 

That's how you succeed in America now. Don't offer entertainment, news, or information. Offer an unrealistic way of looking like Jennifer Aniston to people who look like oversized futons being rolled through the snack aisle at Wal-Mart in boiled meat.

*even for me, this is pretty bad