Call Me Melanija, Peasants

I'm going to write one of those essays that tells you everything you know is wrong, the conventional wisdom is backwards, and I'm smart for figuring it out.

My hot take on everything that's happening right now is this--Trump, Kushner, Bannon, Priebus, Sessions and the rest of them are pawns in a game being played by another person. They are not masters of their own fate.

They are not in charge.

They're taking orders.

Even Putin is irrelevant here--he's in charge of a failed state full of pensioners, alcoholics, and seedy fellows who steal money on the Internet and there's nothing left for him, personally, to steal. Where do you go from there? You go up against the wall when the peasants have nothing left to lose by storming the gates of one of your 300 dachas. Putin has a bug-out plan that gets closer to the execution phase by the hour. As long as Russians can still find pitchforks that haven't been pawned to pay for their home-made wood alcohol blackout fun party, Putin has to stay close to a helicopter and the guy who has the Romanov jewels in a briefcase.

The person calling the shots is Melanjia Knauss, and you better get her name right because you are fucked if you don't. This piece was originally about how Ivanka Trump is running things, but it turned out to be more about how Ivana Trump, her mother, was running things. Then I threw all of that out because, honestly, who's smarter? Melania or Ivanka? It's Melania because she Germanified her name so it would be easier for people to see her boobs. If that's not a total boss move, what the hell is?

You might believe in the cult of Ivanka, but I don't. Ivanka has to see Jared every day and, I'm sorry, but he's the fucking Jonah from Veep in every episode of Trump Family Values. When I see pictures of Jared, I wonder how many preppie murders he has under his belt. He has murderdeathkill tattooed under his eyelids.  You know the scene where Hannibal (Anthony Hopkins) feeds Krendler (Ray Liotta) his final meal? That's Jared planning brunch with Chris Christie.

 Ivanka clearly wants to be married to Justin Trudeau. She does not want to actually work but her old man isn't up to the job he didn't want so she has to fill in for him because shut up, that's why. It's hard to be the adult child of a dementia sufferer--you're the one who has to remember stuff! She has to show up and do things in the White House in close proximity to people who smell funny because they use the cheap soap they stole from a gas station. When you live in Washington D.C., everything is ridiculously expensive. Going to the suburbs to buy things from big box stores is for losers and people who like Zip cars. When you are a government employee working 16 hour days in the District, you master the art of stealing soap from gas stations. It's a real thing, trust me.

In this world, the person who runs things is the one who gets to have whatever they want when they want it.

Does that describe Trump? Bannon? Spicer? Priebus? McMaster? Kushner? Nope. They're sucking wind right now, waiting for the chance to be frog-marched past the Marine guards who can't believe they ended up having to hold doors open for fat Nazis in cheap suits. One minute you're a Lance Corporal in San Diego, living in a world of beaches, strip clubs, and fucking awesome video games and then you're sleeping by the freeway in the old Marine Barracks at 8th and I, and the Wi-Fi sucks and some dickhead in mismatched shoes is telling you to make the door wider because they haven't seen their dick in forty years.

Not being able to see Melania throw candlesticks at Donald is the number one reason why being a Marine in the White House is now a shit detail. Her ability to run things is hampered by the fact that she isn't even in Washington DC, but maybe that's her brilliance. She doesn't have to recline on a bed anywhere near a grown man named Trump, her fingerprints aren't on anything, and, when Trump goes to prison, she gets whatever is left of his money and his kids get to go pound sand because they are completely implicated in all facets of his business "empire." I use that word loosely and with quotes because an "empire" usually comes without mortgages held by Russian mobsters.

Her every public appearance suggests that my hot take is the superior one right now, and anyone else who claims that they have a take hotter than mine is bogus and remarkably sad.

I'm not saying this was her plan while growing up in Slovenia, but this is really, really interesting:

Melanija Knavs was born in Novo Mesto in the southeast of Slovenia, which was then part of Yugoslavia, on April 26, 1970.

As the Communist Party in Slovenia upheld atheism, Melania's father did not sponsor her Christian sacraments of baptism or first communion.

Melania was born into Communism and now her husband is in hock to a bunch of ex-Communists. Melania is Catholic, and no one knew it until she went to meet the Pope. How many people keep their Catholicism a secret and then, all of a sudden, get to meet the Pope?

Well, if you're like me, and I know I am, you get to do that when you're in charge of shit.

According to Divorcenet.com, Melania knows her prenuptial agreement with old man Trump will never survive a trial for treason:

Basic contract rules apply to prenuptial agreements in New York. Specifically, an agreement should be in writing and signed by the future spouses before a notary public. An agreement doesn’t take effect until a couple actually marries. However, a prenuptial agreement made prior to a religious ceremony intended to be a marriage, will be upheld even if the marriage isn’t legally binding.

Generally, a prenuptial agreement is presumed to be valid unless a spouse can prove the following:

  • one spouse signed the agreement under duress
  • one spouse wasn’t mentally competent or was under the age of 18
  • one spouse was defrauded under the agreement
  • the agreement was unconscionable (severely unfair) when it was signed
  • the agreement wasn’t put in writing, or
  • the agreement wasn’t signed until after the couple married.

In New York, potential spouses are under no obligation to disclose their finances to each other before signing a prenuptial agreement. But if a spouse chooses to disclose his or her assets and misrepresents his or her financial condition, the resulting prenuptial agreement may be overturned.

Due to the fact that everything related to Trump is an ongoing demonstration of unchecked fraud tempered with unrestrained greed, Melania likely has evidence that would overturn any prenup agreement with her husband. I also believe that Melania has decided to help Federal investigators and give her husband bad advice.

"Do you know what would make you look strong, Donald? Tell everyone the horrible things Bannon says out loud in a deep voice and do not smile, do not even laugh." I believe she says that to him on the phone when she's not in the same city because she knows he will do it.

Does anybody else have a hot take as hot as this one? What if Melania is already feeding evidence to the Federal government in order to accomplish these three things:

  • Get away from Trump
  • Have Trump thrown in jail
  • Keep her son away from Trump
  • Find a way to change her life, keep Trump's money, and rid herself of the Trump stain on her conscience

It could be that everything Trump has done since marrying her has been designed to save his business so that he doesn't end up being discovered as a fraud. The only way to do this was to increase the appeal of his personal brand and use his businesses as a front for money laundering.  Trump does not "build" things or earn money like a normal Manhattan businessman. He may use the rotting remains of his former business empire to launder money for Russian officials in order to remain solvent. I believe he has enormous debts and Melania knows everything about his business dealings. Hell, he might even be in hock to the Turks as well.

I also think that Melania, Ivanka and Jared all know that Trump is probably suffering from dementia. That's important, too, and it could explain all of those brown stains the White House staff keeps having to hide with cushions.

If Trump is found out to be a fraud who requires a guardian because he is unfit, his legal standing is severely diminished in relation to defending himself in divorce court from the demands of his third wife (never mind defending himself from charges of treason, obstruction of justice, and violating the emoluments clause).

Winning the presidency has likely complicated his efforts to extricate himself from being engaged in Russian money laundering operations (really, how else would a series of casinos go broke? Mismanagement or having the profits skimmed off the top to cover shady deals with the Russians?). Trump knows he works for Melania and that, when she stares daggers at him or strides confidently in a different direction, she does so safe in the knowledge that she has shared her compromising material on Trump's business relationships with people who can protect her from harm.

Why else would Trump have settled the Trump University scandal? It's because, in the course of deliberating and arguing whether he was an expert on real estate transactions, his failures, his debacles, and his debts would have beenmade public. If the people suing him had found out that he has a net worth south of $200 million dollars or even less because of his liabilities, they would have been able to prove that his "university" was a scam run by someone whose methods were unsound and did not produce real results.

If you're flush, and receiving a healthy amount of cash from your investments and properties, you would never tolerate settling a court case brought forth by a slew of rubes who were cheated out of tuition money. If you're running from your bank balances, you settle so that no one finds out how bad things are for you. A Trump worth $10 billion is presidential; a Trump worth $200 million who owes money to the Russians, the Germans, and the Chinese is a low-rent slumlord's son.

One of my other fresh hot takes is that you haven't seen Trump's tax returns because he doesn't want you to know that he hasn't paid any taxes in years because his crumbling empire has tremendous liabilities, the very best liabilities, held by fabulous people, only the most luxurious ones that are tasteful.

This is why I think we're looking at everything the wrong way--Melania is in charge of everything right now. When she wears a $51,000 jacket, it's because she knows where the bodies are buried. Trump has to McDonalds and beg people to be his friend while Melania has the wardrobe that would bankrupt a Princess of Monaco.

I believe she used her connections to link Trump to the Russians so that she could play a long game of ruining him for her benefit while commanding huge sums for maintaining her link to the fashion world. She married him knowing full well that he was in financial trouble but could maintain her in comfort so that appearances would be kept up in front of Manhattan's elite. She did nothing while he made himself America's foremost asshole--none of that rubbed off on her. She watched while he branded himself someone "business like" in spite of making terrible decisions and deals. Their whole marriage was a business transaction that left him paying to hang clothes on a woman with expensive tastes. He paid sticker price plus She knew that he was getting old and did not believe in exercise, so why not stick around and see if he falls over into his KFC $5 dollar Fill Up?

Hipsters with hot takes like to call Trump a con man who has made the common people his marks. My searing hot take is that Melania spotted a whale, and after she harpooned him, she fed his ego nothing but candy bars and bullshit so that he would consume himself with envy and rage.

She engineered the narrow win that delivered Trump the presidency so that she could kick him out of the house. She likely has evidence in hand that would get everyone--from Trump on down to Carter Page--thrown in Leavenworth. She went from small-town Slovenia to the being the First Lady of the United States of America without having to leave her own bed in Manhattan, which is the real capital of the world. She has the ability to bend Trump to her will. She can swat away his hand in front of everyone without worrying whether or not there are consequences.

Typically, the person in charge gets to do whatever they want to do. Does that sound like Trump to you?

Trump is being hounded because he likes to play golf and tell other men about the grabbing he does of pussies. He didn't want to win. He wanted his old life to continue. He hates living in the White House, he does not have the stamina to do the job, he hates his staff, he is losing out on an untold number of lucrative deals to launder more money for those assholes in Cyprus who call in the middle of the night, and the really talented people want nothing to do with him. People who look like they don't know anything about basic skin care are brought into the Oval Office all day long.

The FBI, the entire intelligence community, and every liberal known to man are all united in opposition to everything he wants to do. That's some scary shit. How do you go from being mocked once a month by Graydon Carter to having 150 investigators in the Counterintelligence Division of the Federal Bureau of Investigation living inside of your own ass?

Trump is fucking sad, peeps. His friends keep having to quit the government. His golf courses are being vandalized. They make him get out of bed on weekends and do stuff. His own hotel is now a canvas on which strange people with great technical skill project horrible things. Everyone is against him, nothing is going right, and he's surrounded by ugly people he can smell coming a block away. Everyone he has to rely on was against him in the primary. Trump wants to leer at tits all day, but they don't let you do that when you're president because no one wears trailer trash clothes into the Oval Office except Sarah Palin and, aw, shit, Sarah Hillbilly Palin? Really? The president should only get to look at the best jugs, the finest jugs, the ones done by the doctors from Beverly Hills who do all of the beautiful women, the really best ones. Trump is mad all the time because looking at jugs is what he does best and the presidency seriously intrudes on his jug ogling.

Meanwhile, Melania does whatever she wants, lives in her own home, sleeps in her own bed, and doesn't give a shit what anyone thinks. Trump doesn't get to look at her jugs anymore.

Who's a boss?

Melanija, bitches.