Michelle Bachmann is Coming After Everything

For example. If Michelle Bachmann has her way, cartoons like Sabrina the Teenage Witch are going to be banned.

The Family Leader, a prominent Iowa group that promotes Christian conservative social values, said Thursday it is asking all presidential candidates to sign a pledge regarding their personal convictions on traditional marriage.
The pledge is entitled, “The Marriage Vow – A Declaration of Dependence upon Marriage and Family.”
The organization’s chief executive officer is Bob Vander Plaats, a conservative evangelical leader who was the state chair of Mike Huckabee’s Republican presidential campaign when he won the 2008 Iowa Caucuses. Vander Plaats said the Family Leader will not support any candidate who declines to sign the pledge.
“If you are looking at being a leader of our great country….we would like to have you pledge personal fidelity to your own spouse and a respect for the marital bonds of others,” Vander Plaats told reporters at a news conference on the steps of the Iowa Statehouse.

At least, I think that's what she's advocating. There are so many things in this pledge that she is against, what is she for? Besides Sunday School, blue laws, near beer, teenage abstinence, screwing the poor, and anything a Republican President thinks we should have? What Bachmann wants is for America to become an overly-serious, Jesus-fearing, small town-worshipping, repressed-housewife kind of a country. The kind of country that is wrapped so tight in a fist full of rage that only something like rock and roll could save it. Bachmann wants America to turn into the backstory of Footloose, Kevin Bacon, optional, sans dancing or happy ending.

America has never been the kind of country Bachmann wants it to be. You say, "what about the 1950s" and I say "Vegas, burlesque shows, and stag films." America is the land of the free. Taking freedom away from the American people has never worked. Unless we're talking about the Patriot Act, and then, yeah. It's keeping us safe forever, of course, unless someone starts paying attention.

This pledge has something about pornography in it--and a pledge to ban pornography is exactly what America wants and needs. There are far too many government officials looking at porn at work these days. Think of the productivity we're losing just by allowing people to look at, possess, own, or steal pornography on the Internet. Banning it should be no problem. I think removing pornography from the Internet is something we could do over the weekend. Start on a Friday, you're done by Sunday morning and right in time for church.

Fortunately, this country has rejected the advocacy of the prudes and exists as a kind of shamed whore, practicing good deeds with one hand and masturbating furiously behind closed doors with the other. America is the cheerleader who signs the abstinence pledge and then lays down on Saturday night with whoever has the beer. America watches copious amounts of Fox News, Highway to Heaven, 7th Heaven and then gets right to the good stuff and watches True Blood, Frasier, the Sopranos, and Glee. Hold on, nobody watches Frasier anymore. Was that even a show? How did that run for eleven years? I still don't get it.

In the meantime, you'd better lock up your daughters and do what they did during Prohibition and Panic! Panic right now! Panicking helps with the urges and with the planning and all of that.

Fans of Sabrina the Teenage Witch should be particularly concerned. The series contains:
  • Witchcraft
  • Comedy
  • Magic
  • Jokes
  • Counterculture references
These are the things that terrify prudes. And I'm assuming that the Bachmann Administration will go after BOTH versions, not just the wacky cartoon from the 1960s. The version with Melissa Joan Hart features an "alternative" family arrangement and that simply will not do.

Remember. We as a country must Panic! and then think about the consequences of just going batshit crazy and banning everything that makes our pants creased, wet, or hard in places that Jesus doesn't want us to touch. Ever. Again.

Sabrina the Teenage Witch is one of those cartoons that, well, wasn't exactly for little kids.

This is the image that will get Sabrina banned under the Bachmann Administration:

I'm pretty sure Bristol Palin has had that look in her eyes a few times.

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