This Will Help Kal Penn Feel Better About Leaving Washington D.C.


Kal Penn, newly unemployed robbery victim in Washington D.C.
It's never fun to be robbed in public:



Kal Penn, known for his portrayal of Kumar in the "Harold and Kumar" stoner flicks,  was robbed at gunpoint in northwest Wash., D.C. --  perhaps ironically on 4/20, a day held dear by marijuana devotees. 

It was "a basic street robbery" and no one was hurt, according to an anonymous D.C. official who spoke to The Washington Post

Penn was approached by a gunman around 1:30 a.m. near 15th and S streets in the Dupont Circle area, reports The Post. His wallet was stolen, among other belongings.



When they say "other belongings," it means that the robber took his pants AND his underwear.


I know this from experience. In Washington D.C., they have a shorthand for what to say when someone important or famous is a victim of street crime. If they say that he was "uninjured," it means that the hooker kicked him in the groin. If they say that he was "forced to lay down," it means a District Roll in the Gutter (a District Roll is when the gunman and his friends make you roll in the gutter until the knees and elbows are worn out of your suit). If they say that he lost "other belongings," it means he was robbed by a man who had no underwear, and wanted some extra pants for job hunting.


The media will help you keep these things quiet. When you're a Congressman or a Head of State (such as from Botswana or Canada or East Timor), you will get robbed in the District. Your first day in the District means that you will, fairly early on, be faced with a criminal wearing a smirk and holding a gun on you, saying "welcome to the damn District" as he robs you. Stunned, you will report this and nothing will happen. There will be a metro section write up, and nice things will be said about you, unless you're from the deep south or Indiana.


Trust me, you want them to say that you lost "other belongings" than to have them say "forced to lay down." A District Roll is humiliating, especially when your female companion had to "stand by the garbage cans."


Don't ask.