I Always Drop Everything When There is News About Jennifer Love Hewitt

Jennifer Love Hewitt

We are thirteen nautical miles off Nevis, moving to the Southeast at a slow seven knots and we are waiting to see what the issue with the electrical system amounts to. The Admiral Hassenpfeffer has had intermittent power failures all morning. Mr. Peej has been all throughout the engine room, and, in careful consultation with the engine room crew, his official explanation is "gremlins." I have accepted that, but, when we get to Nevis, we will call on board someone who might have a better grasp of the issue. Let's hope we can find someone who knows how Father had the system re-worked in 1976. Remember now, this is either a French or Italian corvette, with a keel laid down in the 1930s, and she was taken by the Germans, overhauled, and turned into a fleet raiding surface vessel that ended up abandoned in North Africa in 1943. She has been through a great deal.

But, as it stands, not as much as poor Jennifer Love Hewitt:

After a year-long romance, Jennifer Love Hewitt and Jamie Kennedy have broken up, a rep has confirmed exclusively to PEOPLE.

No further details were available.

Though some in the blogosphere called them an unlikely couple, Kennedy and Hewitt regularly gushed over each other.

When Kennedy first confirmed the romance in March 2009, he told Ryan Seacrestduring a radio interview, "I'm in love!" Describing his costar on Ghost Whisperer, Kennedy said: "It's like, 'Wow, you are hot. You can sing, you can dance, you're like, so smart and, wow, you can cook pasta fagioli, too.' "

I ordered the ship to come to a halt, and we shut down all of the electrical systems and recycled all of the power after a two hour cool down period. I have no scientific reasons for doing this; I just wanted to bring everyone and everything under my control to a halt. I forbade speaking, and I had everyone go to their bunks and reflect on the sadness that is the love life of an American treasure. A few members of the crew from St. Thomas burst into tears because they thought Jessica Simpson had died. When we finally explained what had really happened, they felt better, but they still wanted me to power up the vessel and call out on all radio channels and confirm that Jessica was still alive, and so we did and it took a half an hour before a Coast Guard cutter out of Miami confirmed for us that Jessica was fine.

I get a little tired of that whole "this channel is for emergencies only" lecture. Well, what constitutes and emergency in your little navy world, sir? Do you know when saying "yadda, yadda, yadda" is appropriate? When a man wearing lieutenant-commander rank starts lecturing you on a radio network that rarely provides any useful information to you anyway, that's when.

In my life, an emergency is when a young lady's love life and well being is the subject of national media attention. It's when a broken heart and a tender heart are torn apart by the loss of a boyfriend over the weekend before St. Patrick's Day and the start of March Madness. Even Miranda would fit into that category, were she to actually start trying to attract a decent man. One thing you can count on when it comes to Jennifer or Jessica--they shave their armpits and legs. Miranda? Who knows? I refuse to ask her when she's moody. As much as I would like to write about her love life, she still has enough passwords to thwart me.