Never Call a Woman a Pear Ass

Jennifer Love Hewitt

This hit me where I live--I thought I was going to double over and weep uncontrollably:

Jennifer Love Hewitt -- who was famously mocked for looking fuller-figured in a bikini in 2007 -- says she almost dumped her boyfriend Jamie Kennedy when he called her "pear ass."

"We had a rough patch in the beginning because the first time we went on vacation, I was going to be in a bikini, and I was very nervous," she said Tuesday on the late-night TBS talk show Lopez Tonight.

Jennifer Love Hewitt

"I heard him coming down the hall, so I got in the cute bikini position.

"And he goes, 'Hey, my little pear ass.' "I said, 'I'm sorry, what did you say?'"

I'd give my right arm to know what the "cute bikini position" is, but the gentleman in me just cannot work up enough sleaze to start speculating.

Jennifer Love Hewitt

Jamie Kennedy supposedly also called her "his Bella," which is lame enough, but what I really want to know is--what's so fantastic about Jamie Kennedy? Half the time, he looks like a hobo train dropped him off in hobo town for an extra ladle of hobo stew. Class yourself up man, you're standing next to the lovely and talented Jennifer Love Hewitt. Try to look your best, because she does.

Jennifer Love Hewitt

Look, I'm going to let you in a little secret. If she's got a caboose, just love her for who she is. Women who have exceptionally small rear ends know it, and they flaunt it, and they lord it over you. Not that I have personal experience with that, but I think you get my meaning.

If she's a treasure, then treat her like one. Don't call her pear ass, unless your aim is to end up dating her mother or her best friend. Then, by all means, go for it.