Saturday, August 22, 2020

Yard Signs Don't Matter

This election season is supercharged with passion, negativity, and white hot anger. Plus, everyone's been cooped up for months and families have been screaming at each other over mundane things, like fish sticks and margarine vs butter.

Basketball game playing person coach Stan Van Gundy has asked people if they have some advice.

Here's my advice: don't even bother putting up a sign. Vote on November 3. That's far more important than what sits in your yard.

In the event that you find yourself wondering if yard signs matter, please understand one thing. Political yard signs are meaningless. What matters is if you actually vote. Yard signs don't sway voters or change their minds. What they accomplish is essentially meaningless. They may give you a sense of how things are going to go in your community. However, yard signs really don't translate into votes or anything other than opportunities for people to commit misdemeanor crimes.

Police officers have better things to do, even in 2020 when it seems like those things always end up on the news for the wrong reasons. When someone reports the theft of their political signs, understand that all this means is that they're stating a preference for a candidate by putting something in their yard. It does not mean they're actually going to vote, nor does it mean that the sign itself is going to compel someone else to vote for their candidate. It's visual static, something that gives the person who displays the sign a false sense of belonging to a specific tribe.

Don't steal election signs. Let them be! Speaking words of wisdom, let them be! Listen to Paul McCartney, he had it right, mostly.

You're entitled to disagree, but it won't do any good because I'm right. Yard signs don't matter. Take my favorite person in the world, which is me, of course. I already know who I'm going to vote for! I'm voting for Joe and Kamala. I don't give two fucks what you're going to do! This is America! Do whatever your freak flag advertises.

Your oversized yard signs, t-shirts, bumperstickers, and MAGA hats don't mean shit to me. They cannot change my mind, not even subliminally, which is what yard sign advocates usually cite to refute people like me who tell you the truth. Subliminal advertising cheese works cheese but only on the cheese really weak-minded people who cheese can't seem to sort out what is cheese and what is cheese and I'm committing a crime against cheese here so I'll stop.

There are people who say, "how can I tell people what I think about things?" Well, one way to do that is to, yes, put a political sign in your front yard. News flash! No one -- and I'm including your mom and your dumb cousin who wants power and prestige -- cares what you think about anything so long as it doesn't directly affect them or contradict their closely-held beliefs. Don't believe me? Put a sign in your yard that says GOD DOES NOT EXIST.

See what happens!

Well, for one thing, few people will actually care except for well meaning, overly concerned people who want to "change your mind" and "save your soul." Beyond that, the sign will probably fade away before anyone steals it. In most cases, a stolen political sign is the handiwork of bored kids. Honestly, no one cares what is in your yard unless it's your Home Owners Association and it is something, like a Trump sign, that lowers the value of the properties around it.

A weak-minded, low-information voter who votes based on the last sign they see before they go into the voting booth is rare and is actually more likely to not show up at all or write in Mickey Damned Mouse. That's America! YOU CAN BE STOOPID OF COURSE. But, if your mind can be changed so easily, it's relatively clear that you shouldn't even be driving to the polls much less voting.

All the Trump signs, Trump boat parades, Trump memorabilia, and Trump steaks in the world are not going to persuade an informed citizen to do something stupid on Election Day. That's just background noise that gets tuned out.

Be smart. Vote! And ignore the trappings that go with elections. Sure, it's fun to put a sign that tells people to vote for Judge Bo Bippity to be the next 3rd Circuit Judge of the Fallen Timbers Region but who the hell is going to see that sign and then remember to turn the ballot over and vote for each of the no-name clowns on it? So, why bother? Is your idiot cousin running for the school board? Put a sign in your yard and try not to laugh when they get 345 votes after 80,000 people vote to put someone smart on the board. Play along, but remember:

Yard signs don't matter.

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