Tuesday, June 29, 2010

Prince Harry Shows Us How to Live

Prince Harry playing polo in New YorkWhy, it must have been a wonderful afternoon:

Britian's Prince Harry played polo for a good cause on Sunday - but couldn't stay on his horse while doing it.

The royal took a tumble off his polo pony during the first half of the Vueve Clicquot Polo Classic on New York's Governor's Island, but quickly got back up with a smile on his face and continued the match.

The 25-year-old prince's Black Rock team lost to the Black Watch team, headed by captain Nacho Figueras, 6-5 in overtime.

"I think his horse got spooked, or something," Figueras told The Associated Press, adding, "It was a very tight match - right till the end, we didn't know who was going to win so it was very exciting to play."
Ah, the smell of grass and horses. Money abounds. A life of leisure and pleasure. And you say there are troubles amongst the peasants? Hire more men with guns to keep them out, my good man.

Posted via email from Celebrity Disaster

Monday, June 28, 2010

Will it Work to Dumb Down Le Monde?

Le Monde (Pardon me while I steal their content)In order to find a business model that works, Le Monde is being sold to a purveyor of porn. Meet the Rupert Murdoch of France:

The journalists of Le Monde, the most prestigious French-language publication in the world, have contemptuously defeated an attempt by President Nicolas Sarkozy to intervene in the sale of their struggling newspaper.

As a result, Le Monde, once known for its uncompromising austerity, will today fall into the hands of the former romantic and business partner of Yves Saint-Laurent and a radical, self-made billionaire who founded his fortune on internet pornography, chat lines and peep shows.

Le Monde's journalists, who have controlled the newspaper for almost half a century, voted by over 90 per cent to accept the majority ownership bid of a consortium headed by Pierre Bergé, 81, the retired fashion impresario, and Xavier Niel, 42, one of France's most successful, and controversial, internet entrepreneurs.

Le Monde has, apparently, been "dumbed down" in order to appear less ponderous and to appeal to a more "online" audience that likes images, simplicity, shorter stories, and, of course, hot women.

Does this work? Does it really matter if a major world publication decides to adopt a leaner look? I think that there is no question--news outlets have to be able to switch to a more online-friendly format. There's no use lamenting the text-only days of broadsheets when there's no chance that maintaining a newspaper format and staying in business.

I hate to see something dumbed down, though. I value content above most other things, and a little esoterica and academic research mixed in with my news and opinion works wonders. I think that that business model works for small niche services but can't work for a major publication trying to garner millions of page views and hits.

And it's nice to see that those of us who purvey porn can be accepted. We just want to be loved. I need to be loved. My safe for work hotties are all that comforts me sometimes.

Thursday, June 24, 2010

Cut the Salt Any Way Possible

Your uncle Norman likes to preach, and I preach a mean gospel. Walk a lot. I've started a blog about walking; you should already have it bookmarked. I think people should be prodded into walking in any way possible. Walk yourself to fitness; do not eat yourself thinner. And, for Pete's sake--find a way to cut the salt out of your diet:

Nine out of 10 Americans eat too much salt with most of them getting more than twice the recommended amount, according to a survey by U.S. government researchers.

They said an estimated 77 percent of dietary sodium comes from processed foods and restaurant foods.

"Sodium has become so pervasive in our food supply that it's difficult for the vast majority of Americans to stay within recommended limits," said Janelle Peralez Gunn, public health analyst with the U.S. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention who led the study of salt consumption.

"Public health professionals, together with food manufacturers, retailers and healthcare providers, must take action now to help support people's efforts to reduce their sodium consumption," Peralez Gunn said in a statement.

The study said most Americans consume 3,466 milligrams of sodium a day, more than twice the recommended limit. Much of the excess sodium comes from foods like pizza, cookies and meats, it said.

Want to know what will really change your outlook?

Leave the United States. Briefly. Or, do what I'm doing and hide out overseas until the Census workers stop trying to find me. Get out and see the world. See how the people in wherever the heck do things. Eat the food. Drink the water. Live among them. Explore, walk, and eat better. It will do wonders for you. I love America. But the food will kill you. In April, I had a conniption when some fool said that people should be free to receive their poison through the over-salted food they are served.What a false belief in liberty. No one has the right to poison you, sir. It will bloat you and kill you as sure as I'm sitting here feeling ten times better than I did a year ago.

Where I am living right now, there are dozens of walking paths and trails going in all directions for miles on end. The food is fabulous. The food will make you cry it's so good. Why, two weeks ago I had a cut of pork covered in a white cream sauce with portobello mushrooms. It was shake-the-table and holler at the ceiling good. Eat the bread overseas. Go and pull an onion up out of the ground and crunch on it with your teeth and taste the onion and little bit of the dirt. Oh, don't be scared.

It will revive you.

Posted via email from An American Lion is on Posterous

Wednesday, June 23, 2010

This is Why I Don't Watch Tennis

[They removed the video -

I had a swell piece of video, and because the Worldwide Leader is a cheap punk in a cheap suit, the video has been yanked. Everyone is so afraid of ESPN that all they have to do is whine to YouTube and the embarrassing video gets yanked. Well, talk about stepping on customer interest in the content you provide as a virtual monopoly.

If that's NOT what happened here, my bad. But, as a blogger, I am sick and goddamned tired of this whole "video has been removed because of a terms of service blah blah blah" thing. Cowboy the hell up, YouTube. Make them sue you. Make them prove that what you've done is wrong. You are not stealing their content. You are letting us show just what a ridiculous jackass they have hired in Pam Shriver. ]

The end is getting sad and ugly for James Blake, but this was just ridiculous.

Blake has lost his confidence, his fire, his want-to. He was crushed Tuesday by Robin Haase, 6-2, 6-4, 6-4, in the first round of Wimbledon, and then talked about the possibility of retiring soon.

But his frustration came out, as Blake got into an argument with ESPN analyst Pam Shriver, a former player. Shriver and Blake were bickering, and he even ended up calling her an ass. On court. During the match.

People will be looking for an apology from Blake now, another embarrassment for an aging former star whose career is going, going ...

And I'll say this: He should apologize for the way he is playing.

But as for the other stuff? Shriver and ESPN should apologize to Blake.

This was Shriver's fault, and she should have been kicked out.

Leaving aside the ridiculousness of yelling at someone in a broadcast booth who can be overheard calling you a putz, where on Earth does any sport allow this to happen?

If this happened on a golf course, they'd wear out the turnstiles throwing people out.
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Saturday, June 19, 2010

Is This the Right Way to Sell Beer?

Have a gander at the latest from the World Cup:

It was, the authorities claim, a gimmick cynically designed to capture the attention of the world's media - and, if so, it was wildly successful.
When 36 young women wearing orange mini-dresses associated with the Dutch brewers Bavaria entered the stands at South Africa's Soccer City Stadium for the Netherlands versus Denmark match, the cameras, predictably, turned towards them en masse, capturing shots that would grab the attention of picture editors worldwide.
The reaction of those in charge was swift and ruthless.
All of the mini-skirted ladies were ejected from the venue and two were arrested on charges of organising "unlawful commercial activities". Meanwhile, a spokesman for the tournament's governing body Fifa said it was looking into "all available legal remedies" against the brewery.
I think you would have a hard time making the case that this was unlawful in the United States. I think that someone would be able to weasel their way out of it and get away with it. Guerilla marketing is what I call it because there were no guns used in this ambush. They are serious about making sure no one makes money from the World Cup, I guess. I don't know. 

Sunday, June 13, 2010

We Must Work to End the Reign of Terror of the Vuvuzela

Even though I never wrote a blog post about this subject, I have always said that the people who go to outdoor sporting events and blow vuvuzelas are a menace to polite society. Someone finally agrees with me:

South Africa's World Cup organising chief Danny Jordaan may ban vuvuzelas from inside stadiums after complaints from broadcasters and supporters.
The constant sound of the high-pitched horn-like instrument has so far drowned out much of the atmosphere-generating singing usually associated with games.
And Jordaan, when asked if he would get rid of them, told BBC Sport: "If there are grounds to do so, yes.
"We did say that if any land on the pitch in anger we will take action."
France captain Patrice Evra has already blamed the noise generated by the vuvuzelas, which has been likened to the drone of thousands of bees, for his side's poor showing in their opening group game against Uruguay, which finished goalless.
He said: "We can't sleep at night because of the vuvuzelas. People start playing them from 6am.
That's because if you practically give away something that can make a lot of noise, you can't help but expect a bunch of drunken, simple-minded people from blowing them at all hours of the day. It's a little bit like handing a loaded shotgun to a fourth grader. It's not a question as to when the thing will go off--it's a question as to which room in the house will be leveled and blasted within two or three minutes. People blow them to announce that they have just gone to the bathroom. People blow them when they want everyone to know they've just had a water burp. I lived next door to a man who used one to clear the birds from his garden.
They are a deafening, frightful implement of aural torture. They must be banned, stopped, and turned into harmless little funnels or tubes.

Wednesday, June 9, 2010

Herman Hesse (Statue)

The Only Thing Worse Than the Republican Party in South Carolina is the Democrat Party


South Carolina's surprise Democratic nominee to challenge U.S. Sen. Jim DeMint is facing a pending felony charge.

Court records show 32-year-old Alvin Greene was arrested in November and charged with showing obscene Internet photos to a University of South Carolina student. The felony charge carries up to five years in prison.

Greene said he had no comment when asked about the charge Wednesday and hung up on a reporter.

Well, that's one way to show people you plan to change things and end the corruption in Washington D.C. Send in the perverts!

To be fair, the Democrat Party pervert has to contend with the fact that there are Republican perverts who are, no doubt, camped out around the rest stops between Columbia and the George state line, waiting to see who brought the Crisco and the snapping turtle. Going up against that kind of institutionalized perversion leaves people hollow and empty inside. You have to spend all of your waking moments trying to one-up your opponent on the sexual deviancy front when you run for office in South Carolina.

Monday, June 7, 2010

Paula Deen Was Robbed

Paula Deen puts something awful in the mouth of the lovely Bonnie Hunt
I can totally sympathize with Paula Deen, and why not? My maids have, and I am certain of this, robbed me for years. Proof? I have none. I need none. I have many fabulous things. Who wouldn't want to rob me?

It got so bad that, at one point, I had to hire my son Byron to be a maid. He did an okay job, but when he needed time off, we had to end the charade. Byron thinks cleaning a toilet involves never touching the toilet with human hands, and that won't do. I need the porcelain polished and disinfected by a scrubbing pair of mitts because nothing else will do.

Anyway, Paula Deen has been scammed by her own maid:

Food Network chef Paula Deen says her maid cleaned her out of more than $10,000 in jewelry and other expensive stuff before she fired her and had her arrested.

According to a police report filed by Paula's husband, Michael Groover, and obtained by TMZ, Mary Alice White stole jewelry and other precious metals during a fairly long period of time -- August, 2009 to May, 2010. 

Groover claims the maid did not have a sex bias ...  she stole men's and women's jewelry -- allegedly.

Groover told cops when he found some of the missing jewelry in White's possession, he and Paula fired her immediately.

What I hate about TMZ, and I know you hate it, too, is that there is a complete and utter ignorance of decorum or writing ability. The pieces are crap, they're written by ignorant hacks, and I do hate blogging them. I'd rather do a straight news story and add some brilliant commentary. That's how I do things here.

Anyway, I used to have a maid named Maria, and I think we still have a photo of her in our archives.

My maid, Maria

Maria was a professional wrestler on the Tejanomania circuit of women's wrestling. Maria could crush a human larynx with her thighs and people would scream the Spanish equivalent of "sweet dreams" when her opponents would go limp. She had a very powerful grip, and I hired her because she could scrub a toilet clean and wasn't shy about it. 

Every morning, I would awaken and Maria would be standing in the bathroom, pointing to the toilet with a huge smile. I would always inspect it, lift the seat, look around the bottom of it, and give her a fifty cent tip for her stunning attention to detail. She was able to do such fine work because of two things: liquid cleansers and an old cloth baby diaper that she would hold in her hands and buff the toilet like a shoeshine boy.

I can't really say enough about a clean toilet. Sure, there's the science aspect of it. You don't want to relieve yourself where there's been an outbreak of cholera at the bacterial level. You don't want to have to break out the science kit your eldest son left in his room when he ran away to live with his step-mother. If you do, and if you take samples from the areas surrounding the toilet seat, and place them on the glass slides with the cover slips firmly in place, remember to archive them and name them. You have to follow the scientific method. Let me explain.

By getting a handle on the situation, with regards to a dirty toilet, you can determine what kind of "petri dish" you have festering in your own home. It's a safe bet that most people don't have the time or inclination to take clearly identified samples from the toilet seat and affix them to the glass slides. I do. I am aware of what the scientific method entails. I know how to label and preserve my slides. I know how to keep them properly organized in a sanitary location in a specially-cleaned and ventilated room where research and trends can be identified.

For example, I took several samples from the toilet in the basement, and I calculated that Maria wasn't cleaning it properly. Each slide, archived and preserved for a ten day period (I took a sample every four hours for ten days--what a lot of work!), told the story of a nasty outbreak of bacteria. A veritable colony of disease appeared, and it grew. It grew inside of my very own home, with a maid who was going about her business as if nothing was new under the sun. 

Finally, when the bacteria spread, I could take no more. A cut on my finger from handling an improperly beveled glass slide from the junior scientist kit reddened and seemed to swell up on me. I frantically applied rubbing alcohol and Neosporin. I, frankly, had a near meltdown. I summoned Maria to my desk, in the library, and dressed her down.

I took her by the hand (my clean hand, obviously) to the basement and confronted her with the evidence. She broke down crying. She admitted that she had only been swabbing out the inside of the toilet with bleach and liquid Comet cleanser. We hugged, and that was that. 

My finger healed, my maid cleaned the toilets a little better, and I discovered something about myself. I really am a good person. I didn't fire her. I didn't have her arrested after planting some stolen money or credit cards in the worn-out little purse her grandmother in Guatemala made from a rice sack that fell of the last truck that ever visited her village before the tragic seasonal landslide killed all of the people from her village who didn't have polio. I just led her back to sanity. I calmly instructed her on how to be a good maid. Isn't that what a good person does with the hired help?

Anyway, when Maria was transported illegally into this country by some coyotes, after visiting her family in some obscure part of Central America, she ended up being shot by my Father. He was messing around with one of the Czech machine guns we own--it was no big deal. Eventually, they let her leave that hospital on St. Kitts. Or was it St. Thomas? I forget. If you see Maria, tell her she still owes us fourteen hours to complete her last week on the job. We were kind enough to issue her last paycheck with the full forty hours, but, really, we could only see where she had put in 26 hours. Having her complete that last bit of work for us would be helpful.