Saturday, July 25, 2009

Tony Romo Throws Away Love

Jessica Simpson

I wept when I read this. According to the National Enquirer, which I won't link to, Tony Romo dumped Jessica Simpson. And when I say dumped, I mean, he actually dumped her in a parking lot.

Tony Romo was looking for just the right moment to finally kick Jessica Simpson out of his life - and he found it an International House of Pancakes in the middle of Texas!

[During a three-hour car ride]… tensions between the two reached a boiling point.

“They’d argued a lot over the past several months. This time, Tony barely said a word,” said an insider.

“He suddenly pulled into the parking lot of an IHOP and growled ‘get out.’ Jess got out and slammed the door. Before she could say anything, Tony peeled off. She ended crying her eyes out for the next two hours while she waited for someone to come pick her up.”

“If she didn’t realize it before, she finally got the message that Tony had reached his limit.”

What a cad. Would Troy Aikman do something like this? I couldn't believe it, either. You'd expect this sort of thing from a quarterback from an AFC Central team, or even a San Diego Charger, but a Dallas Cowboy? Unbelievable.

My advice for Jessica Simpson is this--hook up with one of those Disney show boys. Since the twins Dylan and Cole Sprouse are not of age yet, avoid the jailbait route and try to find something hunky in the 18 to 20 age group that just went out partying with pals in West Hollywood with a fake ID. Better yet, hook up with a nobody, and say that the mindblowing, wall-shaking, glass-shattering sex caused you to completely and utterly forget Tony altogether. Go on the Today show and look at Matt Laurer and go, "whoa, Tony, I mean, you know, ewwwwww..." and do the wiggy-waggy thing with your index finger that simulates a woman describing an impotent male. Matt will always play along--he loves to see another man humiliated on his show.

Nothing gets revenge on a no-good, low-as-a-snake's-belly dawg like Tony Romo like implying that he cannot perform. It will severely limit his chances of upgrading on you, Jessica, which I don't think is possible. Scarlett Johannson is now married, Britney is still a little nutty, and I think Susan Sarandon is still off the market.

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