Tuesday, July 14, 2009

Jennifer Aniston Is The Village Bicycle

"Rock Star" is a movie that Jennifer Aniston made

How sad to be Jennifer Aniston. Every time she finds a man who isn't quite as famous as her, he dumps her because he can.

Actress Jennifer Aniston rarely responds to even the most ridiculous romance gossip, which might explain why she didn't expect her once-rumored beau, Bradley Cooper, to deny their relationship. According to the National Enquirer, Cooper’s recent comments left his “He’s Just Not That Into You” co-star reeling.

“Jennifer was devastated when Bradley told reporters in Paris that she was ‘just a friend’ and denied they had any romantic involvement,” an insider told the National Enquirer. “It makes her look desperate — which is the one thing she dreads coming across more than anything else.”

At first, Aniston allegedly assumed Cooper’s public stance was merely an attempt to keep their relationship private, but the source explained that the actress soon learned otherwise.

“When (Aniston) confronted (Cooper) about it, he took the opportunity to let her down gently and say he only wanted to be friends,” the source revealed. “It was a huge embarrassment for Jennifer — now she feels used and upset — her confidence has taken yet another knock and she’s back at square one in terms of dating.”

Thereis a nasty game afoot here--Jennifer Aniston is being used to trade up for a better hottie in Hollywood.It's as if all the dating dudes got together in a huddle and came up with a plan--in order to get at the Hayden Panettiere's and Megan Fox's and whoever is on the Hills, a dating dude has to successfully convince Jennifer Aniston that he loves her and wants to help her settle down and then he has to publicly dump her and make her look like a fool so that he can "trade up."

That's not what really happens in the film "Rock Star,"but I suppose it is close. I believe Aniston thinks that the men who dump her are going to reconcile with her, loosely following the plot of the movie, but they're not. They're too busy waiting to see if that Lauren Conrad girl will call them back while they laugh with their flunkies about how dating Aniston got them into People magazine just before their next project was to come out. Aniston has to go work in a coffee shop or something like that in order to get her man back in Rock Star. What they don't tell you, though, is that working in a coffee shop makes you ineligible to be dated by anyone successful. I have a daughter that worked in a coffee shop--and all she ever brought home were dirtbags and scuzzballs. It's true.

Here's what Jennifer Aniston needs to do--pretend to be a lesbian. Oh, that would send her stock through the roof. She needs to announce this on the Ellen Degeneres Show, on a Tuesday, and ride the publicity wave all week long. Ellen and Jennifer need to do a little bump and grind, and then Ellen's wife Portia de Rossi can come out and pull Aniston's hair out by the roots.

I don't mean to say that she should trade on being a lesbian in order to make more money--that would be unethical. I do mean to say that if Aniston wishes to stick it in the ear of the men who have done her wrong--those no-good, belly-low dogs--then she should pretend to be gay and go around telling everyone that it was because the lovemaking with those men was so inept and unsatisfying that she had no choice but to shack up with Margaret Cho or whoever.

Now, would Margaret Cho go for it? Probably.

The danger inherent in this strategy is that famous Hollywood lesbians would start to treat Aniston like the village bicycle, and trade up by dumping her. I would hope that that wouldn't happen. If it does, the best advice I can give Aniston is to simply stay home on Friday nights and possibly move to Europe.

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