An American Lion

I’m a Rockefeller Republican, Sir

Here are some of my best posts, and this covers the early part of the year when I used a lot more filler and didn’t care as much.

January

I was also the inspiration for this song

When you live in New York City, as I did for many years, and work in the business world, you tend to overlap into what some might call “the entertainment industry” and what others might call “the playground of whores.” I was never a man-whore, but I came awfully close on occasion. I won’t bore you with the details. There are prudes out there, of course. Let me just say that I practically invented the practice of running around naked on the roof of a building in which I did not live.

February

Being Pathetic is What is Recession-Proof

I applaud a good Ponzi scheme. It shows a willingness to win at all costs. I say “boo! boo!” in the catcall vernacular to those who get taken by Ponzi schemes. It shows laziness and an inability to pay attention. That’s why I’m able to turn my back on these people. Goodness, you can’t be spotted talking to a Wal-Mart greeter or a liquor store warehouse employee. You simply cannot be seen talking to a man who now sells insurance on commission for a shady outfit like AFLAC. That duck annoys me to no end. And I like comical ducks. I like them a great deal, sir.

March

Helping my old friend Candy Spelling sell her home

And, much like the Spellings, I have a chunky daughter who is a major, major disappointment. It’s a wonder I even let her into the house. Miranda is such a disappointment to me, on many levels. Yes, she can pilot a boat and straighten out administrative problems, but no, she can’t attract a decent husband anymore. No Ivy League man would ever taste her soiled goodies. The bloom is off the rose, Miranda, and without a man, you might as well give yourself a one way ticket to spinsterhood and stop off at the Big Ass mall and stock up on supplies.

April

Pointing out the obvious is what I do best

Let me just state the obvious—this is why you don’t tip the pizza boy or pay him a lot of money. True, once he realizes that the money he’s making won’t fix his Grandmother’s Plymouth after he burns out the motor making one too many runs to the fat kids in the husky boy pants in the trailer park who subsist off Mountain Dew and Meat Lover’s Pizzas, you’re likely going to have to recruit another one to take his place, but I digress. We have had a recent spate of shootings in this country. Now, nearly 100% of the blame for those shootings goes to mental illness. Some goes to liberalism, the rest goes to the fact that the raising of the minimum wage has allowed people to go out and purchase more guns and more ammunition. Think I’m wrong? I probably am wrong, and I really should point out that this is not what I really think. I’m just trying to make the day go by faster.

BONUS coverage, because April was a weird month for me:

The Slutty E-surance girl is back to torment me

My God, have you ever seen anything that perky? Those things make perky look like someone’s idea of being rode hard and put away wet.

May

I Have Never Worn Jeans or Sneakers

When I was 15, I got lost in the downtown Groton sewer system for about two months. I fancied myself living underground and becoming a kind of mole-rat person with super-sensitive eyesight and the ability to digest stolen food from a pizza restaurant that had a loose manhole cover behind it. I should write about my time as the Frisky Mole Boy of Groton. Technically, I wasn’t a mole—I was a mole rat. I didn’t do any digging. I subsisted off stolen or discarded food which I took down into tunnels someone else had installed. But I solved a few bank robberies, fell in love, and invented a curved stick that allowed me to run through sewer pipes while carrying pizza without falling. It was ingenious. Oh, and I had sex with forty women, caught eleven fugitives, and blew up a furniture store that was being used as an illegal gambling parlor.

June

Spraying Your Own People With Horrible Chemicals

Ah, the nostalgia of reading about sialorrhoea on a beautiful summer morning. Do all of the blogs you read talk extensively about how sialorrhoea can help restore democracy and freedom? Do most of them? Well, good for you.