An American Lion

Forget the veal; have a Pecan Blizzard, CletusDairy Queen is one of those great American companies that loves to serve up crap so that their customers drop dead once they ingest the processed food. You can trace the bodies to the front door--well, not literally, but still. It's Fatass Nation, and Wal-Mart sells a lot of "Dairy Queen" ready clothing to the hoi polloi. Did you know grey shorts with a drawstring come in size XXXXL? What's that worth to you?

Don't even think about trying to inadvertently encroach on their territory, sir:

It's a case that has left Dairy Queen cold.

The fast food and ice cream chain has asked a court to stop a southern California rival from selling a frozen yogurt with a name similar to Blizzard, its biggest-selling menu item.

Yogubliz Inc had on May 17 filed a lawsuit seeking an order that would "eliminate any doubt" its sale of Blizzberry and Blizz Frozen Yogurt products did not infringe any Dairy Queen trademark and was not likely to confuse customers.

The Downey, California-based company said it sued after receiving a letter from Dairy Queen lawyers threatening litigation if it did not stop using "Blizz" and surrender its "Blizzberry" trademark, effectively putting it "out of business."

But in a 30-page response filed Monday in Los Angeles federal court, Dairy Queen said Yogubliz was causing confusion with the Blizzard, a soft-serve ice cream also blended with candy, cookie pieces and other mix-ins.

I don't know how this case has any merit, but I'm not surprised it was filed. The Blizzard has only been around for 25 years. That's really not that long. Since ice cream is cold, and since blizzards are made up of a whirlwind of snow, how can you say that you've "trademarked" the term Blizzard? McDonald's affixed their ever-present "Mc" to the "McFlurry" and those things are just disgusting. Did Dairy Queen go after Mickey D's? Or did someone laugh their evil laugh and let it go?

What's doing damage to the companies who make this food is not trademark infringement; it's the fact that their customers are becoming overfed lardasses who are exploding in size and rampaging through society, food dribbling from their fifth chin. They roll around town on wax-like cankles and shove through double-doors into a Dairy Queen and eat six or seven of these things after wandering out of The Honey Baked Ham store. When someone finally rings the dinner bell, they hoist up their waistband, huff through a few breathless steps, and then collapse on the ground outside of the restaurant, their blubbery eye sockets fixed on the sky as they expire on the pavement.

The truth is, many of these "cease and desist" lawsuits are just for show. Some companies go nuts trying to find out if their trademarks or patents have been infringed upon--it has the added advantage of giving them free advertising in the newspaper (and now on my wonderful blog).

Whatever the case may be, let's not forget that the product in question is sugar and very little else, injected into the bloated belly fat of people eating and slouching and stumbling their way to an early death. Is there a healthy version of the Blizzard out there? Go check the Blizzard Blog.

I'm simply not that pathetic yet.