An American Lion

I’m not proud of the fact that I have never been counted in the census. I’m sure that some wag out there will point out that I probably was counted, but didn’t realize it, but there is one thing you need to remember. I’m Norman Rogers. My Father was one of the few defense industrialists in the nation who had the money and the influence to ensure that he wasn’t counted by the census; he passed that along to me by accident.

Here it is, 2010, and we are living abroad, and no, we won’t be counted. We left Maryland after the snow destroyed civilization as we know it. We fled like crazed foxes, flushed out of a den by napalm. We hit the road and didn’t look back. We ran for the airport, abandoning the Chevy Suburban at the airport with the engine running, all of the doors open, and the extra set of keys on the seat in case the person who took it wanted an extra set. I even signed off on the title. I hope whoever found a Suburban at the airport is enjoying it. Knowing Maryland, the thing is probably still there, but with a ticket and a bum sleeping in the back on my old blankets. Peej said that we should have just given it to the needy, but I have always felt that the needy wouldn’t know what to do with a Suburban. The needy need Hondas, not Chevys.

In all of the census years, the Rogers family has left America for just long enough to avoid being counted by the census. We went to Switzerland in 2000, we went to Germany in 1990, we went to Mexico in 1980, and we went to Fiji in 1970. We went to Bombay in 1960, we went to Canada in 1950 and I wasn’t around in 1940. I think Father went to Haiti or Cuba. I know he spent 1930 in Singapore. We are still banned in Singapore, even though eighty years have passed. I know this because I made a call to the U.S. State Department and, yes, the Rogers family and all descendants are still banned from traveling to Singapore, Myanmar, Argentina, North Korea and Liechtenstein.

This year, we are living in the U.S. Virgin Islands, but not really. We have a house, but we really spend most of our time on the Admiral Hassenpfeffer. We’ll be in St. Kitts before you can say boo. We’ll probably make it to Aruba before the end of March, but I don’t know. Miranda is making noises about Bermuda. Census takers have never caught a Rogers. They might catch you, but they’re not going to catch us:

President Obama recently encouraged Americans to “take about 10 minutes to answer 10 questions” and fill out their 2010 census form.

This year’s questionnaire is one of the shortest in history, but the results of the survey have long-term effects.

The census, taken every 10 years, is used to determine how to allocate more than $400 billion in federal funds and seats House of Representatives and determine the boundaries of representatives’ districts.

“There is no representative democracy without it. It’s the scientific, nonpartisan, apolitical starting point of what eventually becomes a quite partisan, political process,” said Kenneth Prewitt, a professor at Columbia’s School of International and Public Affairs and the former director of the United States Census Bureau.

The hell you say, Poindexter. The hell you say.