An American Lion

Virgin AirlinesI cannot, for the life of me, figure this out. If you have to pick up a hundred or so human beings and put them on a plane and fly them from point A to point B, you have to have a plan to keep them safe, get them there in one piece, and dump them out of the plane when the thing can't take off. I've written about this in the past, and I probably have done more than any other blogger to advance these issues. Ha! Made you look.

It's a no-brainer. You can't leave people sitting on a plane that isn't going anywhere. It's like leaving someone in a hot car; it will boil their brain and turn them insane.

Well, the Transportation Safety Administration is back in the news again, and it's just another ridiculous example of mismanagement and incompetence running amok:

The pilot on a Virgin Atlantic flight that spent several hours on the tarmac after being diverted to Connecticut had asked for permission to unload the stranded passengers, but a customs official threatened to have them arrested if they did, the airline said Thursday.

Customs officials denied the airline's allegation.

The trans-Atlantic flight's captain was told by a customs official at Bradley International Airport in Windsor Locks that passengers couldn't get off the plane until more immigration officials arrived, Greg Dawson, an airline spokesman in London, said in an e-mail to The Associated Press. It took more than two hours for the officials to arrive, he said.

Good luck finding someone who will be held accountable:

A federal rule limiting tarmac time to three hours does not apply to international flights.

U.S. Customs and Border Protection did not receive a call from the pilot, and no one from the agency refused a request to allow passengers off the plane, said Theodore Woo, an agency spokesman in Boston.

Customs officers headed for the airport "as soon as we got the call at 11 p.m.," Woo said. At that point, customs had enough officers to "escort passengers to a safe area," he said.

Airport officials have said there was only one customs official at the airport Tuesday night when the flight arrived in Connecticut.

"That's outrageous. If it's true, it's unacceptable," passenger rights advocate Kate Hanni said of Virgin Atlantic's allegation. She said she expects U.S. Transportation Department officials to listen to any audio recordings made of conversations between pilots and customs officials to verify the allegation.

And, get this:

An employee of another airline — the only person still working inside the terminal — refused to open a gate. Audio recordings showed the employee cited the absence of Transportation Security Administration workers in turning down the request.

The Transportation Department should consider including Customs and Border Patrol and the TSA in future regulations related to tarmac strandings, Hanni said.

"They appear to be a roadblock," said Hanni, founder of Flyersrights.org. "Often airlines tell us customs or TSA refused to allow passengers off planes."

Fire whoever is making these decisions and get rid of that dead wood. Find capable people who can apply common sense and do the right thing by trapped and upset travelers. The Transportation Safety Administration may be the single greatest failure of all the Federal agencies, ever. It may actually be the worst possible agency every created. Fixing it might require firing everyone in it and drafting twenty or thirty thousand able-bodied Americans into it in order to hit the reset button and make it work once again. But, enough of my nonsense--your uncle Norman fixes problems. Oh, I can complain with the best of them. I can complain like a socialite being handed a Krispy Kreme donut stuck to a floppy paper plate. I can also think my way out of any problem you can throw at me.

Here's how you solve this problem. Inside of every airport, create a bullpen.

That's right--a bullpen.

Create a safe area with access to food, water, bathrooms and alcohol. This area is where passengers who are not cleared by security go until they can be moved to a safe area of the airport. If you can't put someone on a plane and if you can't determine if they are a security threat (or a customs threat) then put them in the bullpen. Explain why you're putting them in the bullpen. Let them have free access to the Internet and a telephone, let them refresh and relax themselves, and do whatever is possible to get them from the bullpen back onto a plane that can take off or a terminal where they can go about their business.

Each and every airline must answer as to why a passenger is sent to the bullpen. And if anyone is lost or abandoned in a bullpen, fine the airline and give the passenger a free ticket to their destination. Use common sense to provide a basic level of accommodation and comfort. Take firmly into account the needs of the elderly, the young, the nutty, the bold and the confused. Business travelers know the drill. Do something to help the annoying bastards who never fly and who cannot handle a little distress or discomfort. 

Above all, remember to treat people like people, not cattle.