An American Lion

I hate to be the one to have to tell you this, but this is a fairly bad idea:

Founded in Australia more than a decade ago, Gold Class Cinemas is a growing chain of luxury liner-like movie theaters that opened its first California location in Pasadena on Dec. 2. The hallmark of the “Gold Class experience,” as Graham Burke, chief executive of its parent company, Village Roadshow, likes to call it, is a small, glowing button on the table next to your seat that summons a black-clad server to your side.

From this stealthy purveyor of privilege you can order a variety of food and drink or just request another pillow on which to rest your worthy head. Show up early and you can start the whole process in the ultra-luxe lounge. When it’s time for the movie to start, your server will escort you and your dinner to your seat. Each of the six theaters has no more than 40 seats, with seats placed in pods of two well out of earshot of the others — the whole process is relaxed and unhurried.

The food, which is prepared on-site by a full-service kitchen headed up by chef Matthew Herter, includes options that are easy to eat in the dark, such as chinois chicken salad rolls, Wagyu beef sliders, charcuterie and potato chips with blue cheese fondue. It’s tasty but not out of this world.

It’s shocking, really, that the Gold Class concept didn’t already exist in the entertainment capital of the world. It’s also shocking that Gold Class, which boasts nearly $30 tickets and $19 strip steak sandwiches, is throwing open its doors in the midst of the Great Recession. But according to Burke, that didn’t stop the theater from selling out five of its first seven nights and signing up more than 10,000 people for its movie club.

Those may seem like good numbers, but remember—Gold Class Cinemas has four locations in this country right now. Four. It’s not exactly a household name, nor is it actually going to work. I give it a few more years, and then this thing will either establish itself as a permanent niche or die off altogether. We are no longer rolling in money, living high on the hog. Don’t expect any of these to open in Podunk, Alabama any time soon.

I would say that what kills this idea is the flat screen television. You’re going to spend several thousand dollars on one, and then go to a Gold Class Cinema location not near you and spend over a hundred dollars so that you and your spouse can eat overpriced food in luxury chairs someone else’s fat ass spent three hours sitting in? Good luck with that.

I hope I’m wrong, but I just don’t see it working. Americans are getting cheaper fast, and the movies aren’t that damned good anymore.