An American Lion

Being the smart bargain hunter that I am, there’s no chance you’ll find me in a “dollar” store:

Want to boost your spending power? Try giving your wallet a break by shopping at a dollar store. Americans have embraced the four leading chains — Dollar General, Family Dollar, Dollar Tree and the 99¢ Only store — in droves during the recession.

This year, Dollar General’s sales were up almost 10 percent quarter-over-quarter, and they’re opening 450 new stores, according to The New York Times. Dollar Tree, meanwhile, planned to open 235 new stores this year. And Family Dollar’s early 2009 numbers pointed to sales being up 6.5 percent year-over-year.

But despite the booming sales, Consumer Reports’ Money Adviser has taken a close look at this hot retail segment and found that not everything is a deal.

Before I tell you what they say to stock up on and what to pass on, I want to clarify something. There are important distinctions to note among the chains. Dollar General and Family Dollar both price the majority of their items at $1, but they also offer some merchandise at higher price points. Dollar Tree and the 99¢ Only chain are the only true dollar stores where everything is $1, with no exceptions.

So what did Consumer Reports find? Cotton rounds, gift wrap, birthday candles, paper bags, composition notebooks, plastic cups, security envelopes, napkins, foam plates and tissue paper are among the best deals.

That’s all well and good, but one box of security envelopes lasts me sixteen to eighteen months. What am I going to do when I’m flush with security envelopes and I need a bargain? I don’t use paper plates. One bag of cotton balls will last a grown man four and a half years. One set of birthday candles will last me eight years. Eight years! I subscribe to the theory of your bad is my good. I don’t see the upside for me when you people shop at a “dollar” store. I don’t own stock in any of them.

Here in Maryland, we go to Five Below. If you don’t have one where you live, then maybe you should start thinking about upgrading your lifestyle. It’s modeled on the concept of the “dollar” stores, but it actually sets the bar at FIVE dollars, hence, Five Below. This is where Byron gets nearly all of his action figures and where we get pretzels and lemon drops for the mink in his mink farm. Any time we find ourselves short of soccer balls, an extra triangle for the pool table, or mechandise tie-ins from the Pixar film Wall-E, we go to Five Below. I realize that the economy is bad, but that’s no reason to be down. Buying crap one does not need is the American method of dealing with depression. Cheer yourself up and go buy some crap. Make sure you keep the receipt—when you get hungry later, you might have to take back some of that crap and beg for cash instead of store credit.

What we really need in this country is a music store called Ten Below and an electronics store called Twenty-Five Below.