An American Lion

Did you know that a California utility has no comment on whether or not it has declared war on the Charmin brand of toilet paper?

For years you’ve probably heard the advertising slogan “Please don’t’ squeeze the Charmin”, but now a local utility company is asking it’s customers to please, not use it.

A debate over toilet paper is causing a stink in an upscale Lafayette County neighborhood where the sewer company wants folks to stay away from one popular brand.

Ivy Sexton’s local utility company wants her to “dump” her favorite brand of toilet paper. “I think this is outrageous!” she exclaimed.

Crescent utilities reportedly says the Charmin brand doesn’t dissolve well, clogs its sewer pipes, and wants customers to use something else.

“I shouldn’t have to change my toilet paper because our sewer system doesn’t accept it. I mean, we should have figured that out before we put the sewer system in.” explained Saxton.

It certainly isn’t stopping builders from connecting more homes to that sewer system in the upscale Wellsgate neighborhood.

Charmin is among America’s best selling brands, it carries the “Good Housekeeping” seal of approval, and notes on the package, it’s safe for sewer and septic systems, something a spokesman confirmed to us.

Crescent Utilities seemed a little embarrassed about this situation when we called them. At first there was silence on the line. Then the woman on the other end said “We are not going to talk about this.”

Those with knowledge of plumbing problems say it likely involves a sewage “grinder” that sits between a house and the main sewer line.

It’s supposed to keep the line from getting clogged, but since pipes leading in and out of it only run two inches in diameter, massive amounts of toilet tissue can clog those lines before it gets to the bigger 4 inch sewer pipes.

Having spent a good deal of my life overseas, and having seen, up close and personal, how people around the world make do without this thing we call “toilet paper,” I can only surmise that this is more about advertising than it is about common sense. Relentless advertising has convinced the American people that it must—must—have toilet paper. And it must have soft, thick, fluffy, wonderful toilet paper. And it must—absolutely must—be the scented kind that is coral green because that’s what matches my decor, don’t ya know. Toilet paper was more of a luxury after the civil war than a necessity. For decades, most people in this country didn’t use it. They used whatever was available, up to and including newspaper, the Sears and Roebuck catalog, the Farmer’s Almanac, corn husks, and corn cobs.

Toilet paper is a convenience we have given ourselves because, well, we can give it to ourselves. Think of what television used to be like. Ads and commercials for things that everyone couldn’t live without. What the hell is baking soda? Baking soda is an absolute fraud to me. Chemical leavening agent, my ass. You don’t need baking soda or baking powder—you could get by without it. It’s called unleavened bread and they eat it all over the world. 

I have always been convinced that baking soda was foisted on the American people by a shameless huckster named Armand Hammer who bought a piece of property with way too much edible white powder on it. So, what he did was, he convinced the American people, through television advertising, to buy vast quantities of it to put in their refrigerator and then not use it, tricking them into thinking that it magically absorbed odors. This conditioned behavior led people to actually pour it down the sink and then go buy more of it to absorb odors that simply don’t exist because this phony crap absorbed them. What a sham!

As America progressed from a nation of want to a nation of plenty, hundreds of common products became everyday necessities when, in point of fact, this country did well enough without them. Think of the automatic mixer—what, you can’t mix cake batter one time a week with your damned hands? Think of the hand-held electric screwdriver. What? You can’t turn your wrist to the right or left? Think of the toaster cosy. Yes, the toaster is ugly. But to spend $21.99 for a box-shaped decorated piece of quiltwork with flowers painted on it is a bit much.

We don’t need to use as much toilet paper as we do. We could cut that in half, easily, and it would solve…eh, probably nothing. It would mean that less of this biodegradeable product is being put into the system. But it’s biodegradeable. I don’t know. There’s some aspect of my personality that wants you to do something ridiculous, like use less toilet paper, when, in fact, your overuse of this product makes me feel better about the fact that I’m tougher than you and I suppose that’s a flaw of mine. I’m trying to address what’s wrong with me. It isn’t easy. In fact, it’s boring.

I do know this—we use that thin stuff, that comes in the big rolls, and we use very little of it. When we’re at sea, same deal. It puts less wear and tear on the plumbing on board the Admiral Hassenpfeffer. No, you don’t want sewage backup in your home, and you definitely do not want an overhead-running sewage pipe to split open on board ship.