An American Lion

Let’s Bowl!

Nothing says Americana more than a bowling alley. Who cares where it was invented? That’s for Poindexter to ponder upon. Bowling alleys are where Joe Sixpack goes to complain about people like me. I want him to have his place of whine. I want him to have his little corner of beer-soaked heaven. I’ve never set foot in a bowling alley, but I do appreciate the impact that the sport has had on the culture. At least, on the parts I don’t care that much about.

Oh, come now. When was the last time you thought about bowling? Be honest.

Some vain clown in New Jersey had huge ambitions for the bowling alley he bought with money he didn’t have. When things went south, he came up with a scheme that could only be described as ‘thought up in a bowling alley’ stupid:

Sadness turned to anger Wednesday, when authorities announced that the manager of a rival bowling alley, the only other one in Cumberland County, had been charged with arson in the destruction of Loyle Lanes.

Steven Smink, the lessee-manager of Pike Lanes Family Fun Center in Deerfield, hired another man, Felix Manzano, 21, and a teenager to torch Loyle Lanes, police said.

Smink, a 47-year-old former Pennsylvania warrant officer, essentially an independent contractor who does many of the warrant-serving functions that sheriffs officers in other states do, brought big ambitions when he took over Pike Lanes in 2007.

The Loyles, the family behind Loyle Lanes, said they’d never met Smink but had heard he boasted he’d put them out of business in two years — even though the alleys had coexisted peacefully for decades in the sandy-soiled part of deep southern Jersey, where the towns are small, the main streets are wide and agriculture has always been one of the main industries.

Wait til you get a load of this quote:

Manzano’s father, also named Felix Manzano, said he didn’t think his son, an electrician, would do anything like burn down a bowling alley.

“He’s stupid, but he’s not that stupid,”the elder Manzano said.

At Pike Lanes, where there were just a few bowlers on Wednesday morning, an employee locked the door to keep reporters out.

Meanwhile, Pike owner Diana Campani Sorelle, who leases the operations to Smink, told The News of Cumberland County she would like to regain control of it. She said her father, who founded it, and the Loyle family were friends.

Mr. Smink is a regular criminal mastermind, and picking young Manzano as his henchman ranks right up there with Simon Bar Sinister’s choice of Cad Lackey. You can just imagine Mr. Smink, adjusting the waistband on his pants, boasting about how the bright lights of success were going to shine down on his half-assed empire of nothing. You could have been a big shot, Mr. Smink. Instead, angry bowlers are going to rub you down with raw bacon and feed you to the dogs.

Here’s to the Loyle family. May they rebuild their palace for the common man and prosper well into the Teens and beyond.